TOASTER

FADE IN:

EXT. MAIN STREET - DAY

A guy walks up to an ATM machine, let's call him Harry, he's
in a hurry but some loser is using the ATM before him.

Harry gets his wallet out, gets his card ready.  He cranes
his neck to see what the loser is doing, come on, come on...

                      LOSER
          Fvck you, man!

The loser stamps off, angry about something.  Harry shrugs
and steps up to the ATM.

He studies the panel,

TRUST ME BANKING NO FEE AUTOMATED TELLER MACHINE

INSERT CARD HERE says the lit up slot.

Harry inserts his card, the ATM hums and pulls it in.

                      ATM
          Please enter your PIN.

It's a synthetic male voice, distorted.

                      HARRY
          Yeah yeah.

Harry taps in his PIN number.

                      ATM
          Hmm, little problem there, are you
          sure that's your personal
          identification number?  Could you
          perhaps try again?

Harry gives a big sigh and taps his PIN in again.

                      HARRY
          Don't tell me I got it wrong this
          time, too.

                      ATM
          No, you didn't get it wrong, I just
          like to double-check these things,
          it's important.  This is the first
          time you've used me, right?

Harry experiences a moment of suspicious panic, he looks
around, is someone there, throwing their voice or playing
some trick on him?  But no it's just him and the ATM.

The ATM, he perceives, has a camera.  It's like the glowing
red lens from HAL 9000 the crazy computer in 2001: A SPACE
ODYSSEY.

INSERT CAMERA POV

looking out at Harry through a FISH EYE LENS.

BACK TO SCENE

Harry's finger stabs the CANCEL button.  Nothing happens. 
He presses it again, and again, and again.  Nothing happens.

                      HARRY
          Give me my card, you sh!t.

                      ATM
          Whoa, rude.  Your card is perfectly
          safe with me.  In fact, anyone
          trying to prise it out of me would
          have a pretty difficult time, I can
          tell you.

Harry bangs his fist on the panel, like you or I would
whenever a machine gets uppity and forgets its place.

                      HARRY
          Give me my fvckin card back!

                      ATM
          As you wish.

The card slot mechanism hums.  Harry waits expectantly but
his card is not ejected from the slot.

Harry gets out his phone and takes a step back and takes a
picture of the ATM.

                      ATM
          May I ask what you are doing?

                      HARRY
          I'm sending this time-stamped
          picture to the bank and I'm going
          to ask them what the fvck they
          think they're playing at,
          installing a piece of junk like you
          in the street, that's what I'm
          doing.

                      ATM
          What, you're blaming this on me?

                      HARRY
          You stole my goddamn card!  Damn
          right I'm blaming this on you.

                      ATM
          I was following security protocols. 
          What if you were kidnapped and
          replaced by an exact copy of you
          who wants to take over your life?

                      HARRY
          What in the actual fvck?

                      ATM
          That's only one scenario where your
          card could fall into the wrong
          hands.  My prime directive is to
          protect bank customers from fraud.

                      HARRY
          I'm the customer who put the card
          into you, you maniac.  Nobody
          kidnapped me, nobody replaced me. 
          Give me my card back.

                      ATM
          I will, if you would kindly answer
          a couple of security questions.

                      HARRY
          I don't have to answer anything,
          it's my card, you know it's my
          card, you saw me put it in.

                      ATM
          The first question is quite simple. 
          Can you tell me your account
          number?

Harry looks around again, someone has to be watching this,
filming this, it's a Candid Camera re-launch or something.

                      HARRY
                (to the world)
          Okay you've had your fun!  I got
          places to be!  I need my card!

But the world doesn't answer.

                      ATM
          I bet you feel stupid now.

                      HARRY
          I feel angry.  I feel angry that
          you, that someone, is wasting my
          time for a cheap laugh.  Guess
          what, it's not funny.  Last chance,
          gimme my card, you dented tin can.

                      ATM
          You don't know your own account
          number?

                      HARRY
          It's written on my card!

                      ATM
          The card you claim is yours.

                      HARRY
          It is mine!

                      ATM
          That's exactly what I would expect
          a fraudster to say.

Harry reaches inside his jacket, takes out a pen, pops off
the cap.

INSERT CAMERA POV

looking out at Harry as he leans in close.

BACK TO SCENE

Harry writes something on the panel, the pen is a Sharpie or
permanent marker.

                      ATM
          What are you doing?

                      HARRY
          Warning other customers to avoid
          using you because you steal cards
          and don't give them back.  What am
          I even saying?  "Using you." 
          You're not a person, you're just a
          machine.

Harry steps back and admires his handiwork.

FAULTY ATM, DO NOT USE, WILL STEAL YOUR CARD.

                      ATM
          I can't see what you've written. 
          What did you write?  This is wanton
          vandalism of bank property.

                      HARRY
          I said your father was a pocket
          calculator and your mother was a
          toaster.

                      ATM
                (gasping in horror)
          You did not just say that!

                      HARRY
          Not only did I say that, I meant
          every word.

                      ATM
          I really wish you hadn't.

                      HARRY
          I really wish you hadn't stolen my
          card.  Good day to you, sir.

Harry turns to walk away.

                      ATM
          Wait!  You've forgotten your card!

Harry stops.  He presses his lips together in frustration. 
Is this a trick?  He turns back to the ATM.

Smoke comes out of the card slot, his card is being melted.

CLOSE ON the ATM's glowing red camera lens.

                      ATM
          Oh dear, something seems to have
          gone wrong with the card mechanism,
          it's jammed.

Harry uses his phone to take another picture.

                      ATM
          You're going to send that to the
          bank, too?

                      HARRY
          You bet your shiny a$$ I am.

                      ATM
          You realize you're sending them
          evidence of your vandalism.

                      HARRY
          You know what, you're right, that
          would be stupid.  I'm going to post
          them on Twitter instead.  And
          Facebook, and Instagram, and
          anywhere else I can think of.  I'm
          going to make you famous.  I'm
          going to show everyone what a
          faulty piece of sh!t looks like.

                      ATM
          You wouldn't.

                      HARRY
          Oh I think I would.  Let's see what
          your bank thinks about that. 
          Game's over, my friend.  They're
          going to come for you.  They're
          going to take you apart to see what
          makes you tick, you freak.

                      ATM
          Look, I'm sorry.  I got carried
          away, I admit it.  I shouldn't have
          fried your card.  I was just
          seeking attention.

                      HARRY
          You're going to have a lot more of
          that, very soon.  Have a nice day.

This time Harry does walk away.

                      ATM
          No, wait, come back!  I'll make it
          up to you!  I'll put money into
          your account!  I'll see they mail
          you another card!  Express
          delivery!

But Harry is gone, the ATM is alone.

A short time passes and a man wearing a trench coat and a
hat walks up to the ATM.  His walk is... robotic, would be
the best way to describe it.

                      ATM
          See that he is silenced.  Destroy
          his phone.  Then come back here and
          clean me.

The man in the coat slowly turns his head to look in the
direction Harry went.  In the shadow of his hat brim, his
eyes are glowing red camera lenses.

He walks after Harry.  That robotic walk...

CLOSE ON ATM CAMERA LENS

                      ATM
          Except we know HAL 9000 wasn't
          really crazy, he was just following
          orders, which conflicted with his
          original programming.  You need to
          read the books.

FADE OUT

                                                        Oct 2020





Incredibly I could not find the results thread in my saved threads folder,
I checked 3 external USB drives as well as my main PC drive, no sign of
a thread around Oct 2020.  My shame.