Short screenplay from the Done Deal Valentine's Day 2015 contest.
"With Love From Russia"
FADE IN:
Title: LONDON, ENGLAND
INT. CLASSY RESTAURANT - NIGHT
First person camera POV. A smiling MAITRE'D greets "us".
MAITRE'D
Let me show you to your table,
sir.
We follow him through the restaurant. INTIMATE COUPLES
are seated at tables-for-two.
Women look round, showing undisguised interest in us as we
pass by their tables.
The Maitre'D stops at a table where a beautiful redhead,
ANA, is seated alone. She looks us up and down with
interest.
Finally the audience gets to see "us".
Dashing, suave, exuding an air of casual danger, JAMEEL
D'BOND, a cool black Englishman wearing a Tuxedo.
D'BOND
Is this seat taken?
Ana smiles and invites him to please sit. He does.
D'BOND
The name's D'Bond. Jameel D'Bond.
The Maitre'D offers him a menu, D'Bond waves it away.
D'BOND
I'll skip the starter and go
straight for the sirloin steak,
rare, fried in garlic butter with
button mushrooms. And the lady
will have...
ANA
I will have the same.
She has a Russian accent, as most enemy spies do.
D'BOND
And an aged Cabernet Sauvignon,
please.
The Maitre'D departs.
ANA
I was afraid you would be a foppish
vegetarian, like most Englishmen
these days.
D'BOND
Never going to happen, I like my
meat red. I must say you're not
what I expected.
ANA
What did you expect?
D'BOND
A crusty old Russian with a tin
leg. What happened to Oleg?
ANA
An unfortunate accident. Oleg
fell out of a plane.
Ana whistles and makes a dipping motion with her hand, big
long fall.
D'BOND
That is unfortunate. So. Are you
here to deal or to kill me?
ANA
It could go either way.
D'BOND
If you decide to kill me, I hope
your weapon of choice is sex.
ANA
I had heard you have a certain
reputation with the ladies, Mr.
D'Bond.
D'BOND
You know how people exaggerate.
But let's say I'm well equipped to
handle most situations.
The Maitre'D arrives with a wine bottle, he pours for
D'Bond, who sips and nods approval. The Maitre'D fills
their glasses and departs.
D'BOND
So here we are... Ekaterina
Anastasia Voltovich... code name
High Voltage.
ANA
I'm trying to put that nickname
behind me. I think you know the
man who gave it to me. Silas
Tighter.
D'BOND
Good old Silas, the CIA's best.
You killed him?
ANA
No, I turned him. He's one of our
best now.
D'BOND
You must be very persuasive.
ANA
I tied him to a bed in a hotel
room in Istanbul and whipped him
with a riding crop for seven days.
I would have stopped after three,
but he begged me to continue.
D'BOND
I can understand why.
D'Bond looks around at the other tables, all occupied by
couples.
D'BOND
Good God...
ANA
Is something wrong?
D'BOND
I should have remembered.
Ana is puzzled, she emotes "What?" and raises an eyebrow.
D'BOND
St. Valentine's Day. A silly
custom. Lovers express their
affection with flowers, expensive
chocolates and greetings cards.
And romantic dinners.
ANA
How decadent. In our line of
business, we have no time for
flowers and chocolates. Or love.
D'BOND
That's sadly true.
ANA
How much are you prepared to offer
for the decoder device?
D'BOND
Well I don't have an actual figure,
as such. Cutbacks, I'm afraid.
My orders are to take it and kill
anyone who tries to stop me.
ANA
You don't seriously think I brought
it with me?
D'Bond holds up his cheap budget cell phone.
D'BOND
I know it looks like an ordinary
phone, but it can do all kinds of
bloody useful things.
ANA
You mean like Google searches?
D'BOND
I mean like detecting the decoder
device that's taped to the inside
of your left thigh.
Ana's eyes narrow into slits. Her hand comes up from
underneath the table holding a small pistol.
D'Bond thumbs his phone, it BUZZES. The pistol is plucked
out of Ana's hand by powerful magnetism. It glues itself
to his phone. She gapes, surprised.
D'BOND
And the pistol strapped to your
right thigh.
He slips the pistol into his jacket pocket.
D'BOND
What say we enjoy our steaks, then
retire to your hotel room.
ANA
I suppose you intend to pump me
for information?
D'BOND
That's exactly what I had in mind.
ANA
I look forward to it.
SERVERS bring their steaks, because this is a goddamn movie,
no one has time to wait around.
INT. HOTEL LOBBY, ELEVATOR - NIGHT
D'Bond and Ana arrive, D'Bond presses the button.
They watch the elevator floor display change, 5, 4, 3...
Ana bites her lip and looks nervous.
D'BOND
This is the bit where the doors
open and your bodyguards are waiting
for us, isn't it?
ANA
You could always just leave. They
don't even have to know you were
here.
D'BOND
No can do, I'm afraid.
DING the elevator door opens, TWO BIG THUGS in cheap suits
occupy the elevator.
D'Bond escorts Ana into the elevator. They turn and face
the closing door. The two thugs glare at D'Bond's back.
INT. ELEVATOR - NIGHT
D'Bond casually watches the numbers change.
Ana's eyes shift, she's expecting trouble any second now.
D'BOND
If anyone wants to get out now,
just say the word.
The two thugs reach for D'Bond, who--
--grabs an arm and twists it brutally so the elbow CRACKS
and its owner SCREAMS. D'Bond drives him headlong into
the elevator door, BAM.
--kicks the other thug's knee, SNAPPING IT, and Karate
chops him in the throat. D'Bond sweeps the thug's legs
out from under him and STAMPS on his neck, CRACK.
--grabs the first thug's head, presses his knee into his
back, pulls his head back until, SNAP, the spine dislocates.
The thug falls dead.
D'Bond adjusts his bow tie.
D'BOND
I wish I'd ordered the hot chocolate
fudge cake now.
Ana eyes the dead men, who lie like bendy toys, unmoving.
ANA
Me too.
INT. HOTEL HALLWAY, ELEVATOR - NIGHT
The elevator door opens, D'Bond and Ana step out.
INT. HOTEL ROOM - NIGHT
D'Bond checks out the bathroom, the closets. Clear.
Ana turns to face D'Bond. She puts one foot up on the
table and reaches up under her skirt.
A horrific RIPPING NOISE like Velcro being pulled apart
makes D'Bond wince.
Ana holds up a silver electronic device.
ANA
I believe this is what you're
looking for.
She puts the device on the table.
D'BOND
Thank you.
D'Bond takes out his phone and uses it like a scanner to
check out the hotel room walls.
ANA
What are you doing?
D'BOND
You wouldn't have given it up so
easily.
ANA
That is absurd, you cannot seriously
think I--
The phone BEEPS and D'Bond stops in front of a painting.
He takes the painting off the wall, revealing A SAFE.
He sticks an ear bud in his ear, connects the wire to his
phone, holds the phone against the safe. He turns the
dial, the combination numbers display on his phone.
CLICK. The safe door opens.
He reaches inside and pulls out the real decoder device.
D'BOND
You know what happens to naughty
girls who lie, don't you?
ANA
No. What happens to them?
D'Bond pulls off his bow tie. It's a quick release catch.
His clothes fall off him. He's naked in one second.
ANA
Ah.
She looks down at his equipment. Her eyes widen.
OBLIGATORY SEX SCENE
Quick, look away! Oh no, too late.
They're naked on the bed, making love.
Ana reaches her peak, her smile is wide and beautiful, she
MOANS and GASPS with unadulterated pleasure.
ANA
Please... don't... stop.
D'Bond watches her, and doesn't stop.
LATER
Ana lies panting, exhausted. D'Bond lies beside her, elbow
on the bed, head resting on his hand. His fingers trace
patterns across her sweat-lashed skin. She turns to him
and looks into his eyes.
ANA
I never knew sex could be like
that.
D'BOND
Like what?
ANA
So... unselfish. You never once
thought about yourself. All you
cared about was my pleasure.
D'BOND
You've been sleeping with the wrong
men, love.
ANA
What happens now? Do you expect
me to betray my superiors because
you took me to Heaven and back?
D'Bond gets up and quickly gets dressed.
D'BOND
I don't expect anything. You gave
me the decoder. I thought it only
fair that I give you something in
return.
ANA
You're just going to leave me?
D'Bond is fully dressed, he adjusts his bow tie in a mirror.
D'BOND
Don't look so surprised. You said
it yourself. In our line of
business we have no time for love.
He tosses the decoder into the air and catches it.
D'BOND
I've got a bus to catch, they're
waiting for this at H.Q.
He winks and exits, closing the door behind him.
Ana buries her face in the pillows and sobs pitifully.
We pan down her naked body, noting every delicious curve
and dimple.
FADE TO BLACK THEN FADE IN AGAIN
Title: PRAGUE, CZECH REPUBLIC - EXACTLY ONE YEAR LATER
INT. RESTAURANT - NIGHT
Another restaurant, another table.
D'Bond laughs and flirts with a BEAUTIFUL WOMAN. She is
really into him. And he's really into her.
There's a slim glass flower vase on the table, containing
a single rose.
D'Bond slips a little box across the table.
The woman opens the box. Inside, a gorgeous diamond ring.
She looks at D'Bond with eyes full of love. He smiles.
The vase glass TINKLES, the rose topples.
D'Bond stares at the broken vase, uncertain.
She looks down at the blood pooling in her cleavage. She
looks up at D'Bond, confused. Her eyes roll and she topples
sideways out of her chair, taking the table over with her.
D'Bond cradles her on the floor and cries out to the heavens
in anguish.
D'BOND
Noooooooooo!
EXT. ROOFTOP - NIGHT
Ana lowers her sniper rifle.
ANA
Happy Valentine's Day, Mr. D'Bond.
We shall meet again, one day.
CUE ROUSING THEME TUNE
CLEVER CLOSING CREDITS AND HILARIOUS OUT-TAKES
FADE OUT
[end]
02/2015