Short screenplay for the 2017 Valentine's Day contest that didn't happen, lack of participants.

PROBED

FADE IN:

EXT. MIST-COVERED WHEAT FIELD - MORNING

Eerily quiet.  Not even a bird singing.


EXT. ROAD ALONGSIDE WHEAT FIELD - MORNING

A family car comes along.


INT. FAMILY CAR - MORNING (MOVING)

DAD at the wheel, MOM in the passenger seat.  Both wearing
their Sunday clothes.

                         MOM
             We're going to be late again.

                         DAD
             We've got plenty of time.

                         MOM
             You said that last Sunday and we
             were late.

                         DAD
             It's not like we're going to miss
             anything important.

                         MOM
             I don't know about you, but I
             don't like being stared at when
             we go into church ten minutes
             after the sermon has started, like
             some Jezebel harlot, so if you
             don't mind...

                         DAD
             Plenty of time.

Mom cranes her neck as she looks ahead, seeing something.

                         MOM
             What in Jesus' name is that?


EXT. MIST-COVERED WHEAT FIELD - MORNING

A thin human figure (EVAN) emerges from the mist and stumbles
weakly towards the road, hunched over.


INT. FAMILY CAR - MORNING (MOVING)

Mom leans forward, peering through the windscreen.

                         MOM
             Is he...?

                         DAD
             Jesus H. Christ.


EXT. ROAD ALONGSIDE WHEAT FIELD - MORNING

The car stops.  Mom and Dad's mouths hang open.

Evan reaches the road and slumps down onto his knees,
exhausted.

Perhaps Evan hears the car motor, he looks up, turns his
head, stares at the car.

Realization fills him, my God, people!

He stretches an arm out as if begging for help.

He opens his mouth to speak.  Words don't come.

His eyelids flutter and his eyes close.

He keels over onto his side and lies there like roadkill.

Mom and Dad climb out of the car, leaving the motor running.

They hurry to where Evan lies.

                         DAD
             The bastard's buck naked!  Avert
             your eyes!

                         MOM
             My God, look at the size of his
             schlong.

                         DAD
             You have been tainted by evil
             thoughts, woman.

                         MOM
             Is he dead?

Dad leans down, inspects Evan.  He prods Evan's cheek.
Evan's entire body shudders.

                         DAD
             He's still alive.

                         MOM
             Should we, should we get him in
             the car and take him to a doctor?

                         DAD
             I'm not having some naked drunk
             bum in the back of my car,
             emptying his bladder and soiling
             my seat with his stinking feces.

                         MOM
             There's a blanket in the trunk.

                         DAD
             I haven't even made the final
             payment yet!

                         MOM
             Are you a Christian, or are you
             one of those rich motherfuckers
             who just pretends he's a Christian
             but pisses in the mouths of poor
             people?  And before you answer,
             remember God is watching.  We
             were on our way to church when
             this poor soul crossed our path.

                         DAD
             He gets himself drunk in a field
             in the middle of nowhere and it's
             my fault?

Mom looks up at the Heavens, caught in religious fervor.

                         MOM
             Perhaps we're being tested.
             Perhaps this is a sign.

Dad is considerably less enthusiastic.

                         DAD
             We're being tested, all right.

Evan's eyes open wide.

Mom and Dad jump back, spooked.

The car engine makes a clunking sound, and dies.

Dad stares at the car, puzzled.

Mom stares at the crop field.

Because the mist covering the crop field is glowing with a
pulsing yellow light.

And the crops are swaying in that spooky way they do when
you just know somehow that someone, or something, is moving
through said crops.

Evan weakly raises his head and looks back at the crop field.

                         EVAN
             Oh God.  Oh God.  They're coming.

He looks up at Mom and Dad, who are wondering what in God's
name is happening here.

                         MOM
             What is that light?


EXT. MIST-COVERED WHEAT FIELD - MORNING

Looking towards the road... Evan, Mom, Dad, a short distance
away, semi-shadows visible through the light-filled mist.

Slowly moving towards them... skimming the top of the wheat...
getting faster and faster...


EXT. ROAD ALONGSIDE WHEAT FIELD - MORNING

Evan sobs pathetically.

                         EVAN
             Please, please help me...

Mom looks at Dad, who's staring at the field.

                         EVAN
             Don't let them take me again...

                         MOM
             What's he talking about?

                         DAD
             I don't know, I don't know, shut
             up for God's sake.

                         EVAN
             Don't let them probe me!  Please!

Mom stares at him, wide-eyed.

Dad puts his arms around Mom and pulls her away, hurries her
back to the car, opens the passenger door and bundles her
inside, ignoring her cries of protest.  He slams the door
and runs to the driver's side.

                         EVAN
             Please!  Don't leave me!


INT. FAMILY CAR - MORNING

Dad drops into his seat, tries to start the car.  WHEEZING
AND COUGHING from the motor.  He keeps trying!

                         MOM
             We can't just leave him here!

Dad indicates the pulsing yellow light in the mist.

                         DAD
             You wanted a sign!  There's a sign!

THE MOTOR TURNS OVER AT LAST.

Dad turns his eyes to the roof.

                         DAD
             Thank you, Lord.

He puts the stick in gear and stamps on the gas pedal.


EXT. ROAD ALONGSIDE WHEAT FIELD - MORNING

Evan can only look on in horror as the car swerves across
the road to avoid him, and powers away leaving a fog of
exhaust fumes.

He's alone and helpless.

The mist swirls around him.

It's as if invisible hands suddenly grab hold of his ankles
and pull his legs out straight.  He's dragged back into the
field, into the mist.


EXT. MIST-COVERED WHEAT FIELD - MORNING

Evan is pulled backwards.  He claws at the ground, trying to
stop himself, but the force is too powerful.

                         EVAN
             Oh God, NO!

Evan disappears into the wheat field.

The wheat closes as if he was never there.


EXT. ROAD ALONGSIDE WHEAT FIELD - MORNING

Mom and Dad's car is a blip on the horizon, moving as fast
as it can.


EXT. MIST-COVERED WHEAT FIELD - MORNING

The pulsing yellow light fades.


INT. A DARK ROOM - DAY

A narrow spotlight in the ceiling reveals Evan, strapped to
a table face-down, naked and asleep.

Just on the edge of the light cone are racks containing
silver dildos of all sizes.  From thumb size and finger size,
up to cucumber and banana, and beyond... thermos flask size.

A door slides open, light from a corridor shines into the
room, revealing the silhouettes of TWO GREY ALIENS with big
heads.  They enter the room, walking like slinkies.  The
door slides shut behind them.

They approach the table.  They lean forward into the light
revealing their faces, pointed jaws, big slanted eyes that
are oily black.  Let's call them ALIEN BOB and ALIEN TED.

Alien Bob pries Evan's eye open.

Alien Ted takes a large silver dildo from the rack.

Alien Ted speaks, a BUZZING LANGUAGE NOISE beyond our
comprehension.

Alien Bob shakes his head, no.

Alien Ted replaces the dildo in the rack and selects an even
larger one.

Alien Bob nods approval.

Alien Ted pulls a jointed arm down from the ceiling, and
inserts the larger dildo into it.

Alien Ted pries Evan's buttocks apart.  Ready to receive.

Alien Bob speaks, that same BUZZING LANGUAGE NOISE.

Alien Ted understands.  He takes an electronic alien gizmo
and touches it to Evan's head.

Evan comes awake with a start.  His eyes dart around, taking
in his surroundings.

                         EVAN
             Not again!  Haven't you probed me
             enough, you fiends?

Alien Bob nods to Alien Ted.  Alien Ted maneuvers the robot
arm so the probe is lined up with Evan's starfish.

The door slides open again.  A third alien stands silhouetted.
Not the same shape as the first two, wider hips, bigger butt.
Let's call her ALIEN MAX.

Alien Max says something in the BUZZING LANGUAGE.

Alien Bob and Alien Ted look at each other.

They leave the room, looking a little disappointed.  The
door slides shut behind them.

Alien Max listens at the door... making sure they're gone.

She hurries to the bed.  Bends down beside Evan who JERKS in
surprise.

                         EVAN
             Please don't probe me...

                         ALIEN MAX
             If you want to live, come with me.

Alien Max waves a gadget with flashing lights and the straps
holding Evan to the table spring open.

Evan sits up and swings his legs off the bed.

                         EVAN
             You speak American!

                         ALIEN MAX
             I have learned your language, yes.

                         EVAN
             Why, why would you help me?
             You're one of them.

                         ALIEN MAX
             I am different.

Evan eyes her shape.

                         EVAN
             Yes you are different.

Alien Max goes to the door, listens with her head against it.

The door slides open.

Alien Max peers out, looks left and right.  She beckons for
Evan to follow her.


INT. FLYING SAUCER - LADDER SHAFT - DAY

A long metallic shaft, Alien Max climbs down the ladder,
Evan follows.


EXT. MIST-COVERED WHEAT FIELD - MORNING

The ladder extends down out of the mist.

Alien Max and Evan climb down the ladder, into the field.

Evan looks up, awed by what he's seeing.

                         EVAN
             I knew it.  I knew I was in a
             flying saucer.

Alien Max grabs his hand and pulls him away, they start
running.


EXT. WOODS - DAY

Alien Max and Evan run between the trees.

Evan can't go on, he stops, rests against a tree.

                         EVAN
             Just... give me a minute.

Alien Max looks back the way they came.

                         ALIEN MAX
             They have not yet perceived our
             escape.

                         EVAN
             You helped me, and I'm grateful.
             But what happens now?  To you, I
             mean?

                         ALIEN MAX
             I had hoped... I had hoped we
             could be together.

                         EVAN
             What?

                         ALIEN MAX
             As I watched them probe you, and
             saw how you resisted them no
             matter how deeply they probed, I
             found myself falling in love with
             you.  I did not know I was capable
             of love, but I am.

                         EVAN
             Wow, that's just...

                         ALIEN MAX
             Love has been forbidden among my
             species for over a million of
             your Earth years.  I am a deviant.
             If they find me, they will
             liquidize me.

                         EVAN
             Liquidize you, for loving someone?
             Wow.  So, you can't go back?

Alien Max shakes her head, no.

Evan ponders this and makes his decision.

                         EVAN
             Then that settles it, you're
             coming with me.  I don't know how,
             but we'll make this work.

                         ALIEN MAX
             You would do this for me?

                         EVAN
             Sure.  I mean you look like a
             deformed mutant from the X-Men
             but we'll get you a frock and
             pair of sunglasses, or something.

Alien Max puts her hands to her eyes and blinks.  The black
contact lenses she's been wearing pop out, revealing
beautiful big blue eyes with amazingly long eyelashes, like
an Anime magical girl.

Evan is like, wow.

                         ALIEN MAX
             My love for you pulses in my veins.
             I long for you to hold me in your
             arms.

Evan holds her and they enjoy a long, lingering kiss.

                         ALIEN MAX
             I long for... other things.  The
             probes no longer give me
             satisfaction, they are cold.  I
             need warmth.  I need you.

Evan gently lowers her onto the ground.

They make sweet love.  Uglies are bumped.

Alien Max shudders, having a big thrill.  She pants
breathlessly.

Evan rolls off her and is likewise breathless.

                         EVAN
             Wow, that was... that was...
             amazing.

                         ALIEN MAX
             I never imagined I would ever
             feel such pleasure.  For a moment
             there, I was back among the stars.

                         EVAN
             I was pretty good, huh?

Alien Max strokes his face lovingly and smiles at him.

                         ALIEN MAX
             We are one now, my seed grows
             within you.

                         EVAN
             What?  I thought you were a woman?

Alien Max frowns, confused.

                         ALIEN MAX
             What is a "woman"?


INT. CHAPEL - DAY

Evan in a cheap suit, Alien Max in a wedding dress, wearing
a veil.  Her big blue eyes look up at Evan lovingly.

Evan glances down at his swelling stomach.

                         EVAN
             This escalated quickly.

The End                                                   02/17