February 2002 BOC Results
Dear All,The February contest is over, and all the votes and comments have been compiled. I am very happy to announce that the winner of the BOC is...
*** Beth Shope ***
<the crowd goes wild>
Congratulations, Beth!
Coming joint second, we have Josh Langston and David Gillon, and taking third place this month, Sid Gittler. Great work, gentlemen! Well done to everyone who entered this month. There was a very high standard of writing, I felt. Here is the breakdown of votes:
Opening title Author 1st 2nd 3rd V Total The Wish Seller Beth Shope 4 1 1 y 18 Under St. Owain's Josh Langston 2 1 0 y 11 Fledgling David Gillon 0 4 0 y 11 What? Sid Gittler 1 1 1 6 The Quantum Killers Bill Allan 0 0 5 5 The Space Pirates Derek Paterson 0 0 0 y 3 (voted only) Kevin S. 0 0 0 y 3 (voted only) Giedi 0 0 0 y 3 (voted only) Deb Dunkerton 0 0 0 y 3The entries, votes and comments will also be uploaded to the library.
Your Administratix, Sophia
Index The Space Pirates Of Neptune Derek Paterson
The Wish Seller Beth Shope
What? Sid Gittler
The Quantum Killers From Planet Zombie Bill Allan
Fledgling David Gillon
Under St. Owain's Rock (novel) Josh Langston
The Space Pirates Of Neptune - Derek Paterson
Seven days after the Lunacorp pleasure liner Aphrodite left Earth orbit, Third Officer Don Lockton found himself trapped in the great spaceship's observation gallery by Nina Del'Rocco, daughter of the trillionaire offworld development magnate, Maximillion Del'Rocco.
"So, here you are, Mr. Lockton," she said, moving to stand beside him, and neatly blocking his exit route. "My, but you're a hard one to find."
Lockton silently cursed his rotten luck. He'd been trying to avoid her since they'd been introduced at the Upper Deck Grand Ball three nights ago. It wasn't that she was unattractive—Nina Del'Rocco was a walking Red Alert who would make any heart race—it was the fact that her doting, ruthless father ruined men who earned his spoiled daughter's displeasure. Lockton had hoped that by avoiding her completely he might spare himself such an embarrassment.
He tried to ignore her dazzling charm, which wasn't easy, and said, "Good morning, Miss Del'Rocco. You slept well, I trust?" This early in the morning he might have expected her to be fast asleep in her luxurious cabin, recovering from the night's exhaustions. Nina Del'Rocco's whirlwind social life had fast become the talk of the entire ship. She didn't attend parties—she was the party. The other passengers wove their plans around her schedule.
She shook her head, causing her mane of black hair to become a gleaming cascade that tumbled all the way down to her narrow waist. She wore a silver dress that shimmered like molten metal and emphasized every alluring curve of her perfect body. No doubt entire teams of Beautysurgeons had contributed to her looks. Nina Del'Rocco could afford the best.
"I haven't been to bed yet. I've been looking for you. Perhaps it's just my imagination, but I think you've been keeping out of my way, deliberately."
He feigned surprise. "Not at all. I've had duties to perform. Of course, I should have liked to—"
"Captain Witherspoon assures me you are free tonight," she said, her soft, husky voice sending shivers up and down his spine. "I'd like to invite you to dinner. Just the two of us, in my cabin. Something intimate."
He shouldn't have been surprised by her pushy nature, yet she disappointed him by being so direct. He'd expected something more subtle, more refined.
"I'm afraid that's not possible. Lunacorp has specific policies against its officers socializing with guests, Miss Del'Rocco. I must politely decline your offer."
Her smile broadened. "My father purchased Lunacorp last night, at my suggestion. He was going to get around to it anyway; he simply brought the purchase date forward. He also named me as Chief Executive Officer. So you see, Mr. Lockton, I set company policy. The rule against officers fraternizing with guests is indefinitely suspended. Shall we say, seven o'clock tonight, ship's time?"
She didn't give him a chance to say no. He watched, quite dazed by events, as she moved toward the exit, her hips swaying hypnotically. He couldn't help but smile. It appeared that Miss Nina Del'Rocco was adamant about making his acquaintance socially. He took it as a compliment, and admitted to himself that his vanity had just been seriously tickled.[533 words]
§ Mine. A rugged hero, a dazzling heroine, a comatose adventure! -DP§ Getting past the B-movie title was the only difficulty I had with this one. The writing is solid, though the conflict isn't terribly original. I'd read on. Makes first pass. A little more originality would've elevated this one. Finishes fourth. --Josh§ I liked the wary skepticism of the MC at the beginning of this piece ("No doubt entire teams of Beautysurgeons had contributed to her looks") but by the end, the weakening of his resolve made me lose respect for him. The tension thread went limp and I'm afraid I really didn't care to read on to find out what was going to happen over dinner. (Beth)§ Little Miss Rich Bitch on a manhunt. It's competent enough, but it's in desperate need of a plot twist in the very near future or it'll lose me. The protagonist emulating a rabbit frozen in the headlines of an oncoming juggernaught just doesn't do anything for me. With the title and the set up here it occurs to me that this is going to have enough obvious similarities to the set up of Chris Claremont's 'First Flight' that you may want to check that out to avoid being too similar. DG§ Nice, a bit wordy and a bit too discriptive, perhaps more action in the "show don't tell" categoryNot into hard science, right now. (Giedi) § You lost me in the first couple of paragraphs, mostly because it's a bit wordy straight off. There didn't seem any establishment of scene or atmosphere. When you went into the description of her dress, hair etc. you gave me the impression of a futuristic romance. Deb§ Well written and easy to read, with good scene-setting. My only problem was waiting for the space pirates, or indeed Neptune, to appear, and not seeing them! However, I can't think of a way of including them without changing the pacing of the story, so overall, very good. - AdminBack to Index
The Wish Seller - Beth Shope
The interior of the market stall was profoundly dark after the hot glare of the sellers' court. For a moment all Saree could see was a blur of something pale in one corner—the splayed fingers of a huge, ghostly hand. She lifted her veil and the hand became a spray of white flowers sprouting from a red-glazed pot. On each spiky stalk swarmed white blooms the size of her fist, emanating the exquisite fragrance that had drawn her into the stall as neatly as a fish on a hook.
A woman sat nearby on a welter of carpets, sipping something from a jade cup. The carpets appeared very fine, dyed in watery shades of blue, woven with scattered embers of brilliant scarlet. No other wares were displayed; the stall was empty except for the flowers and the woman, and lighted only by a single blade of sunlight slicing through a crack in the door curtains.
Narkis, ever at Saree's shoulder on excursions outside the safety of the Malik's palace, cleared his throat. "Lady Saree," he murmured, "there is nothing to interest you here. This woman is a harlot." He pronounced the word with as much distaste as if he'd swallowed a mouthful of sour milk.
The woman did not appear particularly harlot-like. She was in her middle years, long-limbed and thin, and while it was true her hair was uncovered, it was also lank and outlandishly braided with long black feathers. She wore no paint to soften the sharpness of her features and her eyes were strange—faintly slanted and dark gold, like tarnished brass.
"I'm a seller of wishes, not bodies, half-man." The woman's voice was like water-sculpted stone, flawlessly smooth but hard. "Would the Lady Saree like to buy a wish?"
Saree was startled into speaking directly to her. "How can you possibly sell—" She caught herself and turned to Narkis, who was pursing his lips in disapproval. "Ask her about the flowers," she whispered. "I want to know what they are."
Before he could open his mouth, the woman said, "Only those who smell the flowers can buy a wish. Can you smell them, half-man?"
He glared a threat at her from under the wild tufts of his brows. "I smell nothing but the reek of trickery, madam."
Saree stroked the silken curve of one blossom. Its center was dead black, and darkness bled into the base of each petal like spreading ink. Their fragrance filled her nostrils with a musky sweetness, ambergris and honey, so rich she could taste it on her tongue, so palpable it was like fingers plucking at her senses. "Ask her if I may buy these."
"They aren't for sale. But if you want to purchase a wish, you need only ask." The woman raised the jade cup to her lips and sipped at the steaming liquid. The scent of cloves momentarily mingled with the perfume of the flowers.
Saree abandoned protocol and spoke to the woman herself. "What sort of wish?"
"The one that keeps you awake nights because you cannot sleep for wanting it so badly."
"There is nothing—" Saree stopped abruptly. The woman regarded her calmly but with an air of expectancy, her golden cat eyes opaque.
"Narkis," Saree said slowly. "Wait for me outside."[549 words]
§ FIRST. This one came across as a well-told tale by someone who knows how to tell tales well. -DP§ Well done. Excellent work. Easily makes first pass. And finishes 1st. Bravo! --Josh§ I wrote it, so I know what her wish will be, and what it will cost her. (Beth)§ Nice tone and imagery. I'd say that this was very well written except that some word choices seem sufficiently off to be noticeable. Apparently it is correct English usage to say the flower emanates the scent, but it's so much more common to express it as the scent emanating from the flower that it seems wrong. I'd also have said the tent was lit rather than lighted, but that may be an Anglo-US divergence. Did you really mean she was drinking from a cup made of jade, not just jade green in colour? I'd suspect a jade cup would fetch a pretty penny in any culture, so it's presence in the tent should draw attention. Overall this is pretty intriguing and it sucks you in. My second choice for the month. DG§ Very good, nice pacing, lovely touch with the words and this person definitely has the "show don't tell" touch. Am into Magic stories and spells - that's why it's numero uno.(1) (Giedi)§ Ooh! I really like this - first place! Love the scene setting, it sucked me in right away. The descriptions of the flowers, the carpets, the woman - all come together beautifully to make me want to read on. Is there more? Deb§ I am presented with a lot of colours, scents and tastes in this opening, which make the story sensually rich. However, I felt a bit bludgeoned with them at first, and had to concentrate on each word to make sure I'd got the mental picture straight before I moved on. This is still an intriguing and competently written opening. I would definitely read on. - AdminBack to Index
What? - Sid Gittler
"What? You said what to whom?" my not so silent partner screamed. Hislet is rather round for a biped, alright very round. But then Cragians are bigger around than they are tall. Hislet happens to be a very tall Cragian.
"I told Gramise I'd take his shipment," Hislet opened his mouth again, "but before you start up again you weren't t here."
"But we agreed, no runs for that mobster. No drugs, hot merchandise. Remember you dumb Tilarian?"
"Why did I ever take one of you snot nosed hairballs for a partner? Look, I got triple the rate in advance for taking a new zoo specimen out to Placendus. Simple run out and back."
"What kind of specimen."
"Earthling male, young just entering breeding age."
"How did Gramise get one of those?"
"Wouldn't say, that's when I went from double to triple."
Hislet stopped pacing and turned two of his three eyes at me. The third remained focused on the office door. "Does he know I'm your partner?"
"Not from me. Here's your third right now. I leave in an hour so I've got to get down to the dock. You stay here and monitor both radios till I make the drop."
"That's three days at max!"
I shrugged and walked to the mirror. We Tilarians are as thin as Cragians are fat but we also have fine coats of hair over our entire bodies. Mine is orange, bleached light from the hot sun of my Benarian home port. "Once I signal the drop is made you can leave. If there's a problem it'll be time to visit your mother. I'm stopping home on the way back."
I forget to tell him I'd wired my two-thirds and most of the rest of our money to my account back home. Shortly my wife would move it again. This really wasn't the first job I'd done for the mobster, you do things when you have to pay the bills but the way he'd agreed to my price and then the jump made me queasy.
The port was unusually quiet from the control tower out to my ship. Three bipeds stood outside the gate. Two hulking monsters loomed over this white, hairless, naked creature. They had the animal in chains and gagged. He cringed at the sight of me, out of fear not revulsion. Had to be around my son's age.
"Mosario?" one goon said.
"This my cargo?"
"Yep, sign here. It won't be any problem."
I nodded and signed.
"Oh, and the boss says if you don't make the delivery it better be because your dead and it's stranded. The animal dies and your son dies." I nodded again, this wasn't a surprise. I'd gotten it every time I'd left on a trip for Gramise.
"Give me the keys and let's get him loaded," I said. "No key," the other goon said.
"Fine, I'll just cut the chains off the first time he has to go bathroom. It's not messing up my cabin."
"He better not escape," the first one said as he handed me the key. Just sighed, unlocked the gate as they picked him up like a rag and carried him in, dumped him in a cabin and left.
Fifteen minutes later I took off.[545 words]
§ THIRD. This one has potential, it reminded me of a Star Wars spin-off novel and held my interest because it left so many questions open without appearing to be blatant about it. Only just misses a higher vote. -DP§ This reads like a first draft--the grammar and punctuation nits are distracting. The dialog feels a bit forced. At one point, the POVC pauses in the middle of an exchange to describe himself. (If this tidbit of information is really needed, it might be better placed in a mantal comparison of himself with his "white, hairless, naked creature." Sorry, no vote. --Josh§ A few punctuation problems but the premise is intriguing and the characters are fun. I want to know why this orange fellow's son is a hostage, and what's going to happen to the shivering, naked human. Who will he turn out to be? Will he make friends with his captor? Will he escape? And will he ever find any clothes to put on?§ My only real complaint is that glance in the mirror; it's a terribly cliched and unsubtle way to describe a POV character. Description should be a natural extension of the character's thoughts, and should say something about him as well. I've taken a liberty here, as an illustration: "I stretched out my legs and noted absently that burgundy socks clash horribly with sun-bleached orange fur, and that said fur was in sore need of a good combing, which, admittedly, I hadn't bothered to do in about ten years. I also noted, less absently and with a certain amount of smug recollection, the tattered remnants of the braids that blue-toothed whore on Rigmutton 5 had lovingly plaited into the fur. They stuck out now like the raveling ends of a rusty old carpet, and added nicely to the disreputable air I cultivated."
I do want to keep reading this one, so it gets Second Place. (Beth)§ I like the pacing of this, but the punctuation is a bit of a disaster. There are lots of missing commas and the odd missing word ('I' at the start of the second last paragraph, for instance). I'd split the second paragraph in two after the first phrase, otherwise referring to Hislet in the middle of an unlabelled speech by Mosario is an invitation for confusion. In general I'd say a lot more of the speech needs explicit labels to identify the speaker, making your audience work for their comprehension doesn't win sales and influence editors. Solve the problems and it would have challenged for third. DG§ Too much conversation, not enough pacing to suit my taste. There has to be a balance between conversation and discription. This one lost me on the first couple of lines of conversation because it didn't paint a picture/scene of which the conversation was taking place. Again, straight sci-fi - not in the mood for them at the moment. (Giedi)§ The first couple of paragraphs lost me for a minute, I couldn't figure out who was talking and had to read it a few times, first person with a lot of speech can be confusing. The story concept is interesting but it feels familiar - like Pride of Chanur. Toward the end you had me interested - I would read more. Deb§ Interesting situation, with lots of hints of a good action adventure-type story to come. There are several small grammar/punctuation errors in this opening, which unfortunately are difficult to get past. I had to read this a couple of times to take in what was happening. The errors are easily fixed, however. A little more description to balance out the dialogue could improve this as well. - AdminBack to Index
The Quantum Killers From Planet Zombie - Bill Allan
The bus stopped at the corner of Forbes Avenue and Observatory Way, and the doors opened. Darnell hopped off the last step and ended up sprawled on the sidewalk. His feet had gotten entangled again, tripping him at exactly the wrong moment.
"You all right, son?" the bus driver called down to him.
"Yes, sir," Darnell said without looking up. Through the open windows, raucous laughter exploded. His summer-school classmates, the rowdy ones who had been sitting in the rear and giggling at him for the last half hour while he kept his nose buried in the astronomy book, were cracking up now. Was the olive-skinned girl with the oriental eyes and cute smile laughing at him, too? But that image was too painful to sustain. Her name was Nancy Lee, and he loved her, though he hadn't yet found the nerve to say one word to her. And summer was almost over.
He kept his back to the cackling as he picked up his book and brushed at the knees of his pants. When he heard the hiss and rattle of the door closing and the bus pulling away, he peeked over his shoulder and caught the leering grin of a white boy in the last window.
He trudged toward the observatory.
Darnell Jenkins had a theory about white people. Whites were jealous of blacks because blacks were cool. The coolest athletes, the coolest musicians, the coolest political leaders—whatever—were mostly black. So when white people saw someone like Darnell, who wasn't cool, who was the farthest thing from cool, they got a chance to feel superior.
Of course, black kids weren't very nice to Darnell either. The neighborhood gang called him Nerdeo—short for nerd and oreo. An oreo was a black person who was white on the inside.
In truth, Darnell only had one real friend, a kid named Paul Court. Now Paul was white, and yet he wasn't—wasn't different, that is. Paul understood. He understood that being an astronomer could be the coolest thing in the whole world. And he understood that Darnell had just as much business being an astronomer as anyone else did. Paul wasn't white, and he wasn't black; he was just good people.
Paul's dad was the Associate Director of Space Science at the University of Pittsburgh, and the boys got to handle some pretty jiggy equipment at times.
Under Professor Court's supervision, they'd been using the observatory's powerful radio telescope to view M-87, a massive galaxy about fifty million light-years from earth, and the home of at least one rotating black hole.
The exciting thing about a rotating black hole, as opposed to a stationary black hole, was that you could travel through it—theoretically, that is.
Darnell and Paul had been watching a star in M-87 that was perilously close to the collapsing area of space. They'd even, with the help of the Professor's wobble equation, mathmatically located one of its planets. And Darnell had come up with a name for the invisible satellite. Zombie.
Paul Court, tall, lanky and red-haired, was waiting for Darnell on the front steps. He looked ready to burst.
"Hey, Dar, you gotta see this!"
"What's up, man?"
"M-87's going crazy. And Zombie—it disappeared sometime last night."[545 words]
§ That's a killer of a title, IMHO, and not in a good way. I felt I ought to be liking the story because some effort evidently went into the telling. But, purely because of personal tastes (and a dislike of kid POV), no. -DP§ Must've been a special on B-movie titles this month.Like the previously titled entry, this one is well written, though I'm having a hard time determining the approximate age of the POVC. He could be anything from a precocious 5th grader to someone in high school. Not a major point, however. I'd read on, though stories aimed at the YA market don't usually interest me. Makes first cut. Finishes 3rd, probably due to my insensitivity to multiculturalism. --Josh § There's some dissonance between the silliness of the title (Planet Zombie??) and the more serious tone of the opening paragraphs. Consider shortening the title to "The Quantum Killers," which is at least more intriguing. I give this writer points for introducing a character, a conflict and a mystery, but there's too much telling/info-dumping, so it gets only Third Place. (Beth)§ The problem with choosing a specific galaxy like M-87 is that people like me are going to stretch out a hand, pull the Cambridge Atlas of Astronomy off the shelf and check what's known about it. M-87's congruent with the Virgo A radio source and there's a relativistic jet visible at both visible and radio frequencies. So it's a safe bet there's a massive black hole down at the middle of things. Which is fine and dandy, but you really need to specify if Darnell's black hole is Virgo A or not. Second problem, resolution. I think it's extremely unlikely we can get resolution adequate to determine the proximity of Darnell's star to the black hole at the distance of M-87. We can see if they're close in angular terms, but we can't tell whether they are at similar distances. Indeed, resolving an individual star at this distance may be beyond the capability of a single radio telescope, especially for a star close to a powerful radio source such as a black hole. I definitely feel that resolving it to sufficient accuracy to hypothesise a planet is unreasonably optimistic-we have enough of a problem doing that for local stars. Third problem: rotating black holes, I've heard of the traveling through one theory before, so no objections there, but my assumptions are that all black holes will be rotating due to preservation of angular momentum, which makes it much less of a special case than is implied here. I presume that theory supports that view, but don't actually know.
All of this may seem unreasonably picky, especially as we don't get enough hard-SF here, but the sub-genre pretty much demands a picky read. As for the non-hard-SF stuff about Darnell and friends and culture, that seems fine from a white, middle-class, English, non-teen background. I've no real comments about the writing itself, it's perfectly passable. This pulls in my third place for the month, in spite of the title.... DG§ Beautiful writing. Nuff said. I'm just not into class struggle stories right now. Still, very beautiful writing.(3) (Giedi)§ Third place. I like the setup, the background of the kid. I would have liked a description, but I've pictured him as skinny, gangly with thick glasses, so I suppose you've covered that in a way anyway. You haven't given much indication of the rest of the story - but I always feel that's a big ask anyway. I'd like to read the rest. Deb§ I liked this a lot. My only nit would be the title, which doesn't seem to fit the mood of this opening. However, I think having some sort of B-movie alien appear later on, as seems to be hinted at, would make this a great YA piece - one I would have especially liked when I was younger. The writing was smooth and Darnell's character well drawn. - AdminBack to Index
Fledgling - David Gillon
The pigeon stood stunned, staring down at the gyrehawk on whose chest it rested. After a moment it appeared to realise that being around an annoyed hawk was a really bad idea and launched itself into the air, beating upwards with audible flaps before diving down and into the woods where it would be safe.
The hawk lay spreadeagled for a moment more before flipping right side up and huffing up its feathers just as an embarrassed human might duck his head and avoid your eyes.
"Trying to ignore me won't make any difference," Claudia told it, "You tried to take it too close to the ground, you arsed it up."
"It's a hawk, Milady" a slightly hesitant voice said from behind her, "It can't understand you."
Claudia turned in her saddle and smiled gently. The speaker was one of her escort: Ezio, one of Graf Lucrezzi's nephews if she had names and faces right. The legionnaire behind the young man, the sergeant commanding her real escort, rolled his eyes, but said nothing. Claudia had an easy relationship with most of the veterans based out of the Eyrie, but outsiders, particularly noble outsiders, cramped that familiarity.
"I know he's a bird," Claudia explained, "but at times I'm not so sure he does. Gyrehawks are obstinate enough to be human, unfortunately Falco's stupid enough to pass as well."
She glanced back at her hawk, only to see it hop into the stand of brush the pigeon had flown out of, almost as though trying to hide its embarrassment.
"Wonderful!" she said, unhooking her foot from her stirrup prior to dismounting.
"I'll get it, Milady." Ezio volunteered, but Claudia shook her head.
"My hawk, my responsibility."
She pre-empted further argument by swinging her leg over the saddle and dropping down to the ground. The sergeant edged his horse forwards to take her reins from her.
"Have a care, Milady," he warned, "You might find boar in there."
What he really meant was "let me do it", but if there was a single point her father had emphasised in her upbringing it was personal responsibility.
"That would be nicely ironic, wouldn't it?" she told him. The only reason they were hawking this morning was that Graf Lucrezzi had refused in horror when she proposed joining the boar hunt that the male guests in attendance for his daughter's wedding had assembled for at cock-crow. His protestations that he couldn't possibly risk the Markgraf's daughter argued that he really didn't know her father that well. When it looked like he would cancel the entire hunt rather than have her along Claudia had reluctantly agreed to go hawking instead.
"The Cold One has as nice a sense of irony as any I've met," the sergeant answered.
"That he does," Claudia agreed reluctantly. Her own mother had fought right through the Succession War without receiving a scratch, only to die a few months later while giving birth to her. She reached up and pulled a javelin from the holster on her saddle. It wasn't a boar spear, but it would do in a pinch and it got her a nod of approval from the sergeant.
"I won't be long," she said.[535 words]
§ SECOND The opening shots very nearly turned me off, I thought they needed more human involvement, but as soon as the author intro'd me to Claudia I began to like her. I stumbled momentarily when the info re her mother dying in childbirth seemed to rise up without warning, but otherwise found myself in an "interested, would turn the page and read more" state. -DP§ Nice work. Interesting scene. Easily makes first pass. I'd like to see more of this. Finishes 2nd. --Josh§ Five hundred-odd words and no sign of story conflict, except that Claudia is vaguely unhappy at being denied the chance to go boar hunting. The writing is decent, but I don't see any questions raised to keep me reading. Dialogue could be sharpened in places. For instance, this: <<"I know he's a bird," Claudia explained, "but at times I'm not so sure he does.>> could be cut. It's unnecessary telling and dilutes the tension, of which there is very little to begin with. (Beth)§ Mine (and novel, forgot to say that). DG§ Beautiful writing till towards the end, lost me in the details. (Giedi)§ Second place. I like quirky beginnings, I like strong women characters,so this would appeal to me. The whole setting is well set and well paced - I would keep reading. Deb§ Very nice. Claudia is an engaging character, and I would read on just to find out more about her. There isn't much hint of any coming conflict so far, but the setting is appealing and Claudia is portrayed such that we can guess that whatever happens, she will probably handle it intelligently. Therefore, I'd hope she gets sorely tested! <S> The focus on the hawk is a small problem: although interesting so far, I'm assuming that the hawk (and Claudia, too?) is what the title is referring to, and it doesn't seem to warrant that at the moment. A few problems with commas in this opening, but mostly, the writing was smooth. - AdminBack to Index
Under St. Owain's Rock (novel) - Josh Langston
Entry omitted at author's request.
§ IMHO the opening sentence could win a place in the Bulwer-Lytton contest, and the opening paragraph reads like something from a Joan Collins novel. The rest of the opening, by comparison, was well done -- it presented me with developing characters and big story potential, which could easily have earned the author a vote. - DP§ Under St. Owain's Rock-- Mine. And already moved from scene one to about scene nine.--Josh § I'd like to know what's going to happen when he goes to that village. Excellent use of contrast between the dialogue and the MC's actions and observations. We know exactly what he's thinking without the writer having to explain it. He notices this woman but he's not overwhelmed by her. Good writing. First Place. (Beth)§ Interesting, very interesting. Smoothly written and a couple of nicely drawn personalities, with an intriguingly oddball plot in the offing. I like this a lot and I can't think of anything that needs attention. In fact I like it enough that I'm making it my number one choice for the month. DG§ Beautiful writing, the conversation was nicely done, with great balancing between spoken words and discrpitive words. (2) (Giedi)§ This isn't bad, the set up's good and I kept reading - but I'm not sure I would read a lot further, mostly because the characters don't really grab me. Deb§ I felt this moved a little fast for a novel opening, and would have liked to see more background and setting. One thing that left me a bit confused was why Rhia seemed to think Bill needed to improve his track record, but it wasn't a major problem and will probably be resolved when we find out a little more about his job and life. Otherwise, smooth, confident writing, with lots of story possibilities. - Admin.
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