Attention writer types! We've come to the close of yet another BOC. Eight solid entries this time. Not bad, not bad. I thank all of you for taking the time to enter. And now, without further ado, the envelope please.... Feb 2007 Best Openings Contest
1st 2nd 3rd Voted KOL CB Tot Twelve Steps to Success - BJ 6 1 1 1 4 30 Graveyard Shift - David 1 4 1 1 2 3 20 A Family History - Josh 1 2 3 1 1 14 The Place In Between - Lisa 1 1 2 3 10 Deadly Whispers - North 1 1 1 3 9 The Vortex Sharks - Derek 1 2 1 8 Angeline - Wendy 1 2 1 1 8 The Faithful - Bill 1 1 1 7 Mike Perschon (vote only) 1 3 Sophia Ahmed (vote only) 1 3Let's all rise and give a collective tip o' the hat to our February winner, Barb Galler-Smith, who penned "Twelve Steps to Success," the overwhelming favorite for the blue ribbon.
David Gillon took second with his "Graveyard Shift," and deserves a nod for his first completed writing project in -- how long, David?
We're glad to see you back in finishing form! The rest of us are all back in the pack, which, come to think of it, means some pretty decent company. Here are the votes as I've tallied them, subject to amendment for bad math and/or additional Completion Bonuses (3 points for sending the balance of the opening scene, minimum of 500 total words).
Index Twelve Steps to Success - BJ
The Vortex Sharks - Derek
A Family History - Josh
Graveyard Shift - David
Deadly Whispers - North
Angeline - Wendy
The Faithful - Bill
The Place In Between - Lisa
General comments:
A few too many knocks at the door this month. Why have a knock at the door when you can have a tentacle in your laundry room? Looking forward to participating next month! MP
I don't think any of the entries had killer opening sentences. Some are intriguing, interesting, but no KO. I would probably read the all of the First and Second place picks, and my own if I finish it, but the rest just don't appeal to me. North
Some things are seriously insidious—a drunk worming his thinking into your way of life, your dope-dealing parents reminding you how you've disappointed them, or one hell of a long tentacle coming up out of the basement drainpipe so slowly it's got you before you realize this too isn't normal. Twelve Steps to Success - BJ
Unlike my family, friends, and co-workers fighting their co-dependencies, lifelong attachments to outmoded ways of thinking, and beliefs that ruin personal progress, I desperately clung to a washing machine while a creature managed to wrap said tentacle twice around my not so narrow waist.
I had a moment to ponder how such an enormous thing could possibly fit through the five inch diameter pipe that connected my house to the municipal sewer system. My next thought was no way was my butt going to fit into that drain.§ Ok, I laughed. And I would keep reading. My only nits at this point are groupings of three in the first two paragraph; they feel a bit repetitive and forced, although the rhythm does work to draw me in. - LMWell written and fun. I enjoyed this entry and would definitely read on. KO. FIRST - wg
I like this a lot, but, for the purposes of killer openings, long, complex sentences aren’t going to win awards for snappiness. There’s no definite idea of where this is going, but it does promise to do it stylishly. I like style, I’ll read good writing just for the feel of the words on my tongue, but not everyone cares, so this had better carry through on plot as well. With that proviso it’s my first place for the month. DG
1. 12 Steps to Success: I love the opening line here...and the closing line. While the rest is standard, the whimsical tone of those two lines would have me hooked...or perhaps grappled by a tentacle. (+ K.O.!!!) MP
The last line made me laugh and I would read on. I don't really like the voice in this, but it is consistent and there's potential for more humour with it, and I'd be interested to see if the author can pull it off. -- SA
Twelve Steps to Success: First Sentence - Attention getting if a bit outlandish. Earns Bonus.
The Rest - Judging by the general tone and especially the last line, Auth is going for humor over horror. Though not exactly my cup of tea, I'd read on a bit to see how the POVC handles this predicament. Third Place. BA This is just charming. No question I'd read on, and the opening line scores a KO. First. --Admin
An odd balance of gritty reality elements and Sci-Fi farce, I'm none too sure whether this style would tickle me or turn me off, tho' already I'm leaning toward the latter. And yet... I'm curious to find out so I'd turn the page, which is maybe a weird reason to give FIRST but that's just how this entry hit me. Nicely constructed first sentence but not a killer. -dp
Twelve Steps to Success -- Way too many long sentences! BJ
Dex Halbert opened a reluctant eye and looked at the pressure clock. Who could be knocking on his hatch at this hour of the tide? Someone with access; someone official. Dex didn't like official. Last time he'd dealt with Govt he'd ended up poor and hospitalized. The Vortex Sharks - Derek
He slipped on a robe and walked barefoot across the living sponge floor, to the port overlooking the airlock. He squinted through the thick glass and saw his visitor, a pretty girl with coral pink skin and webbed fingers and toes. A fin grew out the small of her back, which for some odd reason Dex found incredibly alluring. She saw him and waved. He uncapped the speaking tube and said, "Hello, what can I do for you?"
Out of the dark murk behind her came a shark, striped and massive, with a grinning mouth wide enough to swallow his ocean floor habitat whole.§ I liked it, though I thought the appearance of the girl and the shark came a bit too close together. Silly word constraints... in a longer treatment, I would like them to have more time to interact before the Menace arrives on the scene. - LM"Last time he'd dealt with Govt he'd ended up poor and hospitalized." Govt sounds like an unlikely word to be reminiscing about. Do your chars really use this as a mental reference to the government (I assume)? A rather deliberate intro that didn't completely grab me. That being said, I would read on. - wg
I think I’ll rate this opening as clever rather than killer. I quite like what follows, but it doesn’t truly grab me. Equally I’m not convinced the ‘clever’ opening entirely matches the tone of what follows. I’d keep the rest and rework the first paragraph. DG
This has a nice tone, and I'd read on. I like the setting a lot. One thing: when I saw the name "Halbert" I read it as "halibut" because of the fish theme, and the mental image stuck throughout. Is the POV character a fish or fish hybrid? It's not a bad thing if he his; I'm just not clear on it. THIRD. -- SA
The Vortex Sharks: First Sentence - Sorry, no cigar. The Rest - This reminded me of the old land shark routine from Saturday Night Live. Chevy Chase would trick people into opening their apartment doors, and then, to the theme of Jaws, would jump into the room wearing a shark costume and attack them. Maybe that's why I didn't take the bait here. BA
Nicely done. I especially liked the casual references to the sponge floor and the speaking tube, though the latter doesn't strike me as futuristic. Still, it conveyed a sense of setting; I pictured furnishings a la Capt. Nemo. Can't say the opening sentence is a knock out, but the opening as a whole certainly works. Third. --Admin
Mine. A bunch of no-good submarine pirates, a sunken wreck, and a reluctant marine engineer who holds the Tri-World deep sea diving record. Opening sentence experiment: is "What the heck's a pressure clock?" enough to tickle reader curiosity? -dp
The Vortex Sharks -- Whaaaa? First paragraph nearly lost me, but I liked the coral-skinned girl with a fin. The shark seemed unbelievable and appeared too soon. I'd read on hoping to make sense of the girl as she's very interesting. BJ
Jonathan Trent swept the graves of the Colchester family cemetery and whistled a happy tune. Though the graveyard had been expanded periodically over the years only one spot remained, and if he had anything to do with it—which he most certainly did—that plot would soon be occupied by Charlotte Colchester Brown, the sole remaining heir. A Family History - Josh
As he removed a last reluctant leaf from the foot of a chubby cement cherub, he heard the sound of an approaching vehicle, a sporty red two-seater. He watched it pull through the circular drive and lurch to a stop. A young woman in skimpy tennis togs disembarked and jogged toward him, all knees and teeth.
"I'm Olivia," she said. "I've come to visit my Aunt Charlotte."
Jonathan stood speechless for a moment. "Your Aunt?"
"Right."
He glanced back at the empty plot and wondered if it could serve double duty.§ I liked the descriptions in this one, and it had a nice, even flow to it. But something about it just didn't stand out for me (perhaps a lack of speculative element?) - LMFun. Lively. Would read on. Personally, I'm hoping that the humour will take a suitably dark tone. On a random note, I lived outside Colchester in Essex for 6 years. So your choice of a family name generates strange mental noise when thinking of the family. :) THIRD - wg
I liked this a lot, particularly the description of Olivia as ‘all knees and teeth’. I don’t think the opening sentence is a killer, but the opening para is a pretty good one. This piece manages the rare achievement of setting tone, introducing character and outlining plot, all within the opening. My second place for the month. DG
3. A Family History: This might only have potential as flash fiction, but there are a lot of questions that need answering - why a happy tune when all these folks are dead or one foot in the grave? Where did the niece come from? How will he kill her? Definitely more than enough to keep me reading. MP
Simple and compelling; I'm hooked. Where is the speculative element, though? Must have it Now! I don't know about 'killer' for the opening sentence, but it set the scene and drew me in, so KO it is. FIRST. -- SA
A Family History: First Sentence - Sorry, no cigar. The Rest - Not bad. I suppose the caretaker has been knocking off the family for some reason and now has an added assignment with the niece. Second Place. BA
Mine. I always wanted to write a story where the butler not only did it, but kept doing it.
--Admin I had to re-read this right away to try to figure whether Aunt Charlotte was still alive and Jonathan was waiting for her to expire, or was already dead and awaiting burial. Either way, why has Olivia stopped at a graveyard to tell a stranger her business? First sentence is fine but not a killer. -dp
A Family History -- Nice opening line. Not sure I'm gonna like the murderous Trent, but I would read on. BJ
It was two minutes to midnight and Detective Bobby Ventimiglia was dead. Graveyard Shift - David
Of course Bobby-V had been dead for a couple of months, courtesy of a run-in with a pack of Bloods in an alley off Roosevelt Avenue. We'd done the decent thing and waited three days so that he could attend his own wake after crawling out of the grave. Waking up dead and buried hadn't really fazed Bobby, he'd even gone home to shower and change into something showy before turning up at O'Flanahan's, which was always a good sign. I've known good cops who really let themselves go after getting fanged in the line, turning up with a bad case of blood-breath and graveyard dirt everywhere. That rarely ends well.
And now Bobby-V had been banished by a grateful department to the graveyard shift, which made him my new partner. It was a match made in Hell.§ Funny and smooth. I laughed at the line about the graveyard shift and the cop "voice" is well done. - LMNicely written and a premise which interests me. To nitpick: "Waking up dead and buried hadn't really fazed Bobby, he'd even gone home to shower and change into something showy before turning up at O'Flanahan's, which was always a good sign." Bit of a run-on sentence with the need for different punctuation, in my opinion. I would definitely read on. SECOND - wg
Mine. This opening idea has been sitting on the hard-drive for years waiting for me to find a plot to go with it. Finally I’ve done it. And not just done it, but finished the whole story, and it is literally years since I’ve finished a complete story (I’ve written larger pieces, but none of them are finished). I think the back half of the opening line may be borrowed from an Ed McBain opening I heard quoted on an arts programme years ago, and IIRC the whole concept sprang into being instantly I heard it. DG
Great first sentence; drama-reducing second sentence. The rest of the opening was interesting and flowed well. The only thing missing is a few hints about who the narrator is and what the plot problem might entail. I'd read on. SECOND, KO. -- SA
Graveyard Shift: First Sentence - Raises my curiosity as is, but had I found out he was dead and still walking around, it might have worked even better. Something like, "At two minutes to midnight Detective Bobby Ventimiglia was dead, and seriously p*ssed off about it." Still, earns bonus. The Rest - well-written lead to a tale of vampire cops. Okay, I'll bite. First Place. BA
I'm thinking this piece might have started with "Waking up dead and buried hadn't really fazed Bobby..." Something along those lines would have earned it a KO. Still, I like the premise and would absolutely read on. --Admin
Nicely done, I'd stick around to see where this is going. THIRD. First sentence is fine but not a killer. -dp
Graveyard Shift -- Ha! Got my interest and kept it. Second. BJ
John Martin held the bed covers to his chin with his left hand, and in his right hand beneath the covers, he held a small 9mm pistol. Deadly Whispers
Waking just at the end of the screams from the bathroom at the end of the hall, he'd slipped the weapon from under his pillow, clicked off the safety and waited. Let trouble come to you, then shoot it if you can. He hoped they were words he would live by. Christ, who were these people? I live alone. Where'd they come from? Foot falls scuffed the carpet toward his door. He closed his eyes and began breathing deeply and evenly. The small squeak of the knob told him the door was opening.
Death considered him there in the dark in his warm covers.§ I found it a little difficult to get into this opening... the action wasn't quite clear to me. I reread and understood, but I'd prefer to get it on the first time through. There's a POV shift at the end to Death's perspective (I don't know if that was intentional or not) but it shouldn't happen within the first page. - LM"John Martin held the bed covers to his chin with his left hand, and in his right hand beneath the covers, he held a small 9mm pistol." Bit too descriptive for a first sentence.
"Waking just at the end of the screams from the bathroom at the end of the hall," Repetition of "end" makes for a clumsy sentence. The cliche construct of choice might use "just as the screams died down". Sounds appropriate in this context. :)
"Foot falls scuffed the carpet toward his door." This sounds strange to me.
"Death considered him there in the dark in his warm covers." Repetition. Replace "in his warm covers" by "under his warm covers"?
I'm a sucker for stories involving Death, but this opening would require some work before I would read on. - wgIf you wake suddenly, at the end of a scream, are you really going to be awake enough to figure out where the sound came from? I’d have said that ‘footfalls’ is a single word, and I would have moved that sentence in front of the ‘Christ, who were these people’, to introduce the intruder before they are referenced. The ‘I live alone’ seems completely superfluous.
It’s unclear if the final sentence is about the potential of death, or Death himself. If it is the second then I’d be tempted to reword it, so that the capitalised ‘Death’ isn’t the first word in the sentence, where it would be capitalised anyway. DG
A few small things stood out when reading this, giving the impression of an opening which needs a little work still. I don't know anything about guns, but the "small" seemed unnecessary when saying "9mm pistol". "I live alone" didn't seem like something someone would think to themselves. Why did he close his eyes? The final sentence was confusing in that I didn't know whether this was to be taken literally. Sorry, I wouldn't read on. -- SA
Deadly Whispers: First Sentence - Decent Grabber. Earns bonus. The Rest - "Let trouble come to you, then shoot it if you can." For tough guy advice, this didn't knock my socks off. "Christ, who were these people?" Shouldn't this be in the present tense, as is the rest of the interior monologue? Also, if I had advance warning of strangers in the house--like screaming--and a gun in my hand to boot, I'd get out of bed and find a better position to ambush the intruders. BA
Not sure why the POVC is staying in bed. If some sinister person(s) were about to slip into my room, I'd want to have the drop on 'em when they came through the door. This just doesn't feel like an appropriate place to play possum. --Admin
After the spooky build-up, Death was a bit of a let-down, actually. But I'd still turn the page to see what's up next. SECOND. Cute first sentence but not a killer. -dp
Deadly Whispers -- I got booted out thinking about the size of 9 mm pistols. Sorry, the situation is interesting, but I felt some of the internal dialog was telling, not showing, and lacked verisimilitude. Having actually been in that clichéd situation of danger with the doorknob slowly turning, I can safely say my gaze was riveted on the knob, my heart pounded in my chest, and I could barely breathe. Had I a 9 mm pistol, it would have been pointed at the door. BJ
"This is the last time I'm asking Him for directions!" fumed Angeline while floating above the landscape. Although, now that she was thinking about it, this wasn't her usual kind of floating above the landscape. It was more like standing on a hard floor inside a giant glass egg. Angeline - Wendy
But she didn't worry about that yet. What was really getting to Angeline was the scene unfolding in front of her. While suitably miserable, chaotic and dreary, it didn't look so much as the expected Asura, home of the demon Titans, as it looked like a rainy human city at rush hour.
She raised her eyes skywards in a smouldering "I told You it was a 23º plane shift after entering Kama-Loka!" way and sighed.
As if in response, the tolling of a bell to a familiar tune brought her back to her current predicament. She had a delivery to make….§ This was smooth enough, and the humor is nice. But I need to see something of the coming conflict to stay interested. Third place vote. - LMMine. - wg
This is a little intriguing, but it’s not really clear where it’s going and I need a little more than there is here to know whether there’s something in this for me. “She raised her eyes skywards in a smouldering "I told You it was a 23º plane shift after entering Kama-Loka!" way and sighed” seems a touch too contrived. DG
2. Angeline: You can really feel the shift from one world to another at the outset, delivered in a tight economy of words. And I'm wondering what someone who travels like this is in the business of delivering. MP
The premise here doesn't feel like it would work well. A supernatural being, presumably with far-greater-than-human powers, isn't a POV character that I can empathise with. She doesn't seem to have any particular problem to deal with, and unless it is very contrived, nothing could happen to her that she wouldn't be able to handle very easily. A hint of some weakness on her part in this setting would help with that. I wouldn't read on, sorry. -- SA
Angeline: First Sentence - I didn't like that she was "fuming" dialogue instead of saying it, and I didn't care for "floating above the landscape." Floating above the ground maybe, or the lake, or the treetops, but the landscape? The Rest - I'm kind of lost in this one--need a few more clues as to what's going on. BA
No question about this one being speculative fiction. It drops the reader into an odd reality right from the start. Not sure about the capitalization of "Him" in sentence one, and "You" in graf 3. Is Angeline discoursing with God? Interesting. I'd read on. --Admin
This feels clever, alas it doesn't match my personal tastes by a long shot. First sentence tickled me however, KO. -dp
Angeline -- Clever and well-written, but it actually bobbed along too fast! I barely got one image before my brain was hit with another one. I would read on. BJ
"God be praised," I said and backed out of the cave on hands and knees, my metallic nails making deep lines in the hard earth. The Faithful - Bill
The prophet emerged from the darkness, and I trembled as he spoke.
"The animals think they are superior—and yes, they are large in number and their power is still considerable—but hear me: at the heart of things, the blooded ones are not above us, because they are no longer connected to God."
I couldn't move.
"How do I know this?" His voice was perfect. Perfect. I loved and hated it, as I did my own. "Because I have studied them. They foul all they touch and slaughter even their own kind at every opportunity. And their creations, but for us alone, are abominations."
I prayed then that I would die. And yet I knew that the prophet still expected much of me.§ This opening is smooth enough, but it's all dialogue. I don’t get a feel for the characters or their surroundings. All I need is something evocative to clue me in as to where we are when this conversation is taking place. - LMSounds like dialogue out of the new Battlestar Galactica series, or a discourse held by Erasmus in "The machine crusade". Well written though and I would read on to see where this is going. - wg
I think the major problem this faces is that it could be an outtake from Battlestar Galactica (the current series, not the original). Picture the protagonist as a Centurion and the prophet as a skin-job and it fits just about perfectly. Disregarding this I think that it works pretty well and there are no obvious changes I would make. My third place for the month. DG
I'm intrigued by the fact that the POV character loves and hates his voice, but there isn't much else to latch on to here regarding what these characters are. A hint of what was expected of the character and how he felt about it, rather than that there was a lot of it, would work better as a hook. -- SA
The Faithful: Mine. BA
This concept has some great potential, but this opening doesn't do it justice. For one thing, the POVC needs an identifier of some sort. I like the fact that he (She? It?) is conflicted, but is this critter alone? Is the prophet addressing a throng of automatons? I dunno. Needs some work. --Admin
Another one that feels clever but misses my personal tastes by a mile. First sentence is fine but not a killer. -dp
The Faithful - An interesting robotic twist. The Prophet was too preachy at the outset and I would have been content to ponder the lovely line "blooded ones…no longer connected to God". Why the POVC wanted to die then is unclear. Killer opening sentence, though I think the word should be "metal" not metallic. FIRST BJ
Tanys Durante was in a hurry to get to Yesteryear. But the ghost she escorted was dragging her kidskin-shod feet and it was rapidly turning into a glass-mostly-empty sort of day. The Place In Between - Lisa
"Look," she explained to Cecily, "I have another fifteen minutes of my criminally brief lunch break to get to Marco's, sell your cameo and get back to work. Unless I want another stern lecture from Kimiko, because she thinks the world revolves around organic wheat germ and vitamin supplements."
"Just a moment," Cecily paused in front of an empty storefront. "Is this the place you spoke of last night?"
"Yes," Tanys acknowledged with a sigh. The historic building on First Street should be hers. The Hayworths wanted her to have it, but the original owners were in no position to arrange such a thing, seeing as how they'd been dead for sixty years.§ Nicely written but hasn't grabbed me yet. - wgMine. - LM
No killer opening for the first sentence, but I would have given one for an opening of ‘It was rapidly turning into a glass-mostly-empty sort of day.’ My main criticism is that there are a couple of things which are unclear, what is ‘Yesteryear’ (is it the same as ‘Marco’s?’), and is Cecily the ghost? This is most of the way there, it just needs tweaking to be tighter. DG
I love the title. The first paragraph worked very well to suggest an urgency without overdoing it, but after that the drama lessened and I wasn't clear what was happening - and I'm wondering whether Tanys is human. I'd read on because it's Lis, but I'd prefer something solid in either setting or character to draw me in. -- SA
The Place In Between: First Sentence - Somewhat intriguing, but didn't quite earn the bonus. The Rest - I'm afraid this opening has too many disparate elements presented too quickly for me to easily follow and make sense of. The "yesteryear" reference, the ghost companion who either creates or is represented in a cameo that is being sold (at Yesteryear?), Kamiko and the health food, the Hayworths, the original owners--my head's spinning.
BA Way cool first line. Gets a KO. The rest is smooth and pulled me along, though I have no clue what's really going on. But isn't that the whole point of a story? I would certainly keep reading. Second. --Admin
Nicely written but nothing in their conversation really touched me, and what with Cecily being a ghost an' all I really really wanted it to. First sentence grabbed me for some reason, maybe not knowing what Yesteryear is did it, maybe some other subliminal thought like going back in time, or whatever, KO. -dp
The Place In Between -- A lot of questions at the outset. Excellent prose crafting, but it zoomed me out. I stopped at "kidskin-shod feet" wondering if you meant baby goat or child. Too much information in too short a time-- dragging a ghost, short lunch, selling cameo, Kamiko & vitamin supplements, storefront, and long dead Hayworths. I'd still read on, hoping for a slow in the pacing to catch my breath. BJ
All story excerpts herein are Copyright © 2007 by the Authors, who retain all rights. The excerpts are uploaded for purposes of critique only, which does not constitute publication.
