Here are the results of the July BOC. Congrats to Susan, BJ, and Derek for earning top honors. And thanks to all for participating! July 2005 Best Openings Contest
1st 2nd 3rd V Tot Nothing But The Truth - Susan 3 2 1 1 17 How Henry and Fred Saved The World - BJ 1 2 1 1 11 Hazardous Enterprize - Derek 1 1 1 1 9 The Long Chat - Chanpheng 1 0 1 1 7 Untitled - North 1 0 0 1 6 Amarië's Destiny: Book One... - Lisa 0 1 0 1 5 Who Goes There? - John W. Campbell, Jr 0 1 3 0 5 No Entry - Sophia 1 3
Index The Long Chat - Chanpheng
Amarië's Destiny: Book One of the Umble Dumble Dum Saga - Lisa
Who Goes There? - John W. Campbell, Jr.
Untitled - North
How Henry and Fred Saved the World - BJ
Hazardous Enterprize - Derek
Nothing But The Truth - Susan
The Long Chat - Chanpheng
The stench of mildew hung in the moist air. Sam stopped pacing and sat on the bed, staring at the yellowed motel regulations taped to the door. The phone rang
"That you?" Spiderlady's voice sounded shaky.
"Can I see you?" He tried to control the desperation in his voice.
"I'm not sure."
"I've been traveling a long time. Remember, you asked me to come." He wiped away a tear.
"I think I changed my mind."
"But we agreed..." The dial tone replied.
He didn't know where she lived, or what she looked like. He had to find her.
He left the motel and walked the streets, talking to himself. 'Save yourself. Forget this chase. Return to your family.' The conversation stopped when he saw the sign. "Free Internet with Drink Purchase."
Sam sat down. His fingers automatically keyed into the chat room. Spiderlady's avatar danced on the screen.
'I have to see you,' Sam typed. 'When?'
'Can I trust you?' The image trembled.
'Yes. Of course.'
'Prove it.'
Sam wiped his face and typed, 'How?'§
Contrary to his conscience and all good sense, Sam has left his family and home (I assume it's his wife and kids), traded them, really, for a seedy motel room in an unfamiliar city to chase an unknown woman (did Sam or she ever prove her gender?) to do what? Have an S & M session with the Spider Lady? I'd say character, setting and conflict were all present, but I don't like the guy, much less care about him, so I probably wouldn't read more. - NorthI’m not fond of internet format in stories, though I suppose in a story about a chat. It's essential.
Sorry, I had no sense of who Sam or Spiderlady were. In a chat, it’s hard enough. In a story, you might be able to give a wee bit more info... at 156 words, you did have room for a few more well-chosen words to help me see what Sam’s problem was. (BJ) My own. Chanpheng
Tickled my interest in a "What the hell's going on?" way, there's a sense of urgency, of danger maybe, I dunno, something about it made me want to know more, now. FIRST. -dp
There was no info-dump. Sam's desperation comes across, and there was a basic setting. I wouldn't read on, though, as although there is a good hook, the story so far makes me cringe in embarrassment for these characters rather than draws me in. This reaction is personal though, and as CC and S are there, this gets a THIRD place vote. - SA
There is potential in this opening for great conflict, but I'm not getting enough of what is going on before our (unnamed) main character leaves the first setting. I was wondering if the author couldn't either leave him in the motel for a bit more, or open in the cyber café. It's also hard in that the characters are communicating via telephone and the internet (necessary for the set-up, but impersonal and with less immediacy than the author is going for, I think.) - LM
Possibly an intriguing situation, but I’d rein in the editorial comments standing in for dialogue tags. The first two (shaky, desperation) are borderline; wiping away a tear comes across as comical. Also – unattributed quotes work fine (and are preferable, IMO) as long as it’s crystal clear who’s speaking. "But we agreed…" is Sam, isn’t it. But the dial tone is Spiderlady’s response – and should be on another line. "He had to find her" is pretty empty, and expressed much better in the following graph. Are the streets talking to himself? (pet peeve with misplaced –ing phrase). I’m not sure what the "Free Internet with Drink Purchase" means – I felt the need of some location at this point, or even a drink purchase to place Sam. I know the word count is tough, but this needs to be anchored a bit more. – SW
Somewhat suspenseful, but we need a hint at why Sam needs to see Spiderlady. Also, use of the single quotes for both internal monologue and typed dialogue should probably be rethought. Since the monologue is prefaced by “talking to himself,” you might eliminate punctuation altogether there. And the typing could be represented in italics (underlining). Otherwise, top marks for avoiding infodump. Admin.
Nothing of consequence happened during the first year of Princess Amarië Oronrá's life, except that her mother and father were murdered and the princess was left, alone and vulnerable in a world dark and sinister. Amarië's Destiny: Book One of the Umble Dumble Dum Saga - Lisa
Well, perhaps not sinister. But it certainly got dark in the evenings. Especially in winter.
The King and Queen were smitten to death during an attack on the castle by a horde of irate troglodytes. A group of renegade fairies was seen flitting from the scene, although nothing was ever proven in court.
"Troglodytes do not usually sprinkle glitter on their victims!" Balderdash the wizard pointed out to anyone who would listen. But few trusted a wizard who couldn't foretell the deaths of the King and Queen. Even a birthday party magician should have had a vague premonition of doom, so Balderdash was formally shushed, stripped of his title and sent packing.
He squeaked in a final spell, but those that overheard it weren't particularly impressed. What princess would want to be self-sufficient when she could be rich and powerful?§
Great title. Good humour with some cool surprises. Starting with Amarie and then switching to Balderdash mid-way through jarred me. The last line made no sense as it went back to focussing on the princess and I had to read it a couple of times before I figured out it was a sentiment of those who silenced him. Strong start let me down. SECOND (BJBook One of the Umble Dumble Dum Saga – too much infodumping which did not add anything to character, setting or conflict. It might be better to start with the character of Balderdash, and how he felt about his failure. Or it could start with the question at the end. The other information should be woven into the story later on. Chanpheng
Could be fun, but I found myself having to reread busy paragraphs just to understand them. Overall, events seem crammed into far too short a space. And that whimsical title is just asking for trouble! -dp
There is an info-dump, but I like it. I also like the wizard and hope he is the main character, though I'm guessing the chances of that are small. :) I like the humour in this, but I think it needs to be more subtle to really work for me. The author's narration was a big distraction. I would read on a little to see if the style grew on me. - SA
Mine. This piece broke all the rules for this month's BOC and I should get rightly slammed (seeing as there is probably waaay too much information) but it's actually an excerpt of the story I'm tidying up for the _Bash Down the Door_ anthology. It's done, and added up to a whopping 9,500 words. Apparently, I can't do brevity and smart-arse at the same time. - LM
This has some clever bits (renegade fairies, squeaking in a final spell) -- but sorry, this entire opening felt like infodump. I'm assuming the Princess is the main character, but she never appears -- we have no idea of her personality, age, or issues. We have no sense of setting except that it’s a fantasy kingdom with renegade fairies. There’s probably some useful backstory here, but save it for Chapter 2 or 3 – after we care about the Princess or Balderdash. (And please enough with the weird punctuation on names. I don’t even know what to do with an umlaut over an "e." ) – SW
There’s always a renegade in the crowd!
From the cute title, and tongue-in-cheek style, I was thinking kids’ story, so the murdered parents aspect threw me--noir fairy tale perhaps? Admin.
The place stank. A queer, mingled stench that only the ice-buried cabins of an Antarctic camp know, compounded of reeking human sweat, and the heavy, fish-oil stench of melted seal blubber. An overtone of liniment combated the musty smell of sweat-and-snow drenched furs. The acrid odor of burnt cooking fat, and the animal not-unpleasant smell of dogs, diluted by time, hung in the air. Who Goes There? - John W. Campbell, Jr.
Lingering odors of machine oil contrasted sharply with the taint of harness dressing and leather. Yet, somehow, through all that reek of human beings and their associates—dogs, machines, and cooking—came another taint. It was a queer, neck-ruffling thing, a faintest suggestion of an odor alien among the smells of industry and life. And it was a life smell. But it came from the thing that lay bound with cord and tarpaulin on the table, dripping slowly, methodically onto the heavy planks, dank and gaunt under the unshielded glare of the electric light.
Blair, the little bald-pated biologist of the expedition, twitched nervously at the wrappings, exposing clear, dark ice beneath and then pulling the tarpaulin back into place restlessly.§
Did you copy this? Isn't this the story that the movie The Thing is based on? - NorthWell-written with a lot of lovely descriptions. Alas it is too reminiscent of The Thing. The "fish-oil stench of melted seal blubber". Blubber doesn't smell like fish. And why were they melting it in Antarctica when they had electric lamps? (I mention this because Innu people in Northern Canada sometimes use seal fat for light. Perhaps combine the stinky things into the first paragraph? THIRD (BJ)
The feeling of the camp, and the setting are well done though very little of the character and conflict. With all the details, how does the character react to them? Third place. Chanpheng
A nasal treat, and a worthy experiment that deserves applause, but my other senses, especially sense of story, began to feel ignored and unwanted. Still, the setting interested me, I'd have read on in the hope that the smell disappeared. The title is shared by a famous classic Sci-Fi story. THIRD. -dp
I skimmed over the first two paragraphs after the first two sentences, as it was just too hard work to imagine the scene as it was being described. The biologist catches my attention, I like the vague impression of the setting that I have, and I think it could be an interesting story, but the heavy style of this entry puts me off reading on. - SA
Whoo! The second entry with a smell-factor in the first sentence. ;) I think the opening graf could be condensed with different choices in punctuation and prepositions... (plus, the word stench got used twice... plus odor, smell and smell again. *G*) The second graf opens with more about the odors. If we could get one line about the stink, then jump straight to what's unusual underneath, that would speed things up and get to the conflict faster. I didn't get interested until the author mentioned the "thing", which was a bit lost in the rest of that sentence. The last graf is one very long (and convoluted) sentence. However, I think this is another entry with great potential for conflict. It's just lost under description and a bit mired in phrasing. - LM
Excellent use of olfactory clues – often neglected in our writing. Evocative setting, gradual unfolding, with growing sense of menace. A good example of the difference between detailed description that serves the plot (which this is, IMO) and infodump, which distracts from the story and (usually) deflates tension. At about the time I wanted something to happen, you introduced a character (good), but you seemed to lose control of the POV somehow. I was assuming the POVC was the one sensing all the smells – If that’s Blair, he’s unlikely to mention he’s little and bald. If it’s someone else, I’d like to see that person suggested somehow, e.g an “I” observing Blair’s actions (which btw were a bit unclear – I’m not sure what “twitching” at the wrappings means). Try to find alternatives to the two naughty adverbs in the last paragraph. The writing in the first two graphs is much stronger (except for “not-unpleasant” – which is pretty vague) – Despite a few hiccups, I found the setting unusual and the situation intriguing enough for a 2nd place – SW
Some of you smelled a rat (so to speak), while others guessed outright this might be a ringer. And in fact it is the opening to the pulp classic novelette that spawned two great scifi/horror movies from Howard Hawkes and John Carpenter respectively. It’s certainly not without flaws, but perhaps we must be gentle with a work of this vintage, and I think--even in spite of the non-specified POV--Campbell manages to keep us immersed in the scene. I found this on Amazon.
The skinny, angry, teenage boy kicked the snow off his boots out of respect for the owner, Harvey, before stepping into the little, rural neighborhood store. But when he saw the object of his anger, his father, leaning against the ice cream case with his arms folded across his chest like he had all the time in the world and only himself to care about, the boy, further angered by his father's nonchalance, slammed the door. Untitled - North
Looking remarkably like Sheriff Gillespie, Rod Steiger's character from In The Heat of the Night, Harvey correctly discerned from the noise and the grim, tight-lipped scowl on the boy's face, that a disturbance had just walked in. He then did something unusual: he stood up from his butt polished perch behind the counter despite the twinge in his hip from his WW II souvenir.
"Hello there, Sonny." Harvey greeted the boy, interrupting the father's chatter.
"Hi, Harve. Dad, are you ever bringing that kerosene home? The house is cold and so are Mary and I. It's been two hours!"§
This is mine. I never gave a thought for a title until I saw my entry posted as Untitled. I didn't title my last entry until prompted by Susan. I must have a mental block or something. If I had a do over, I'd call it Sonny's Graduation. Sonny has trudged through the snow to the local store to confront his thoughtless father, who is standing around in a nice warm store, boring Harvey with his idle chatter, while his children suffer at home. The store owner, Harvey, not only likes the boy, but knows courage when he sees it, and is about to support him in his confrontation with the father. I think this opening is very good. We have the setting of the store in a snowbound winter. We have some character of the boy. Sonny is angry. Waiting at home in the cold is the last or latest straw of frustration he has endured while be marginally fathered. We have some of the character of Harvey, a WW II vet with an old injury, who now runs a country store, and we have some character of the father, who is thoughtless enough to stand around chatting while his children endure a cold house. Sonny wastes no time confronting his father. He's rehearsed it all the way from the house. His anger and the pending confrontation are what kept him warm. When he walks into the store he's ready for anything his father may say or do either at the store or later at home. I like it well enough to vote myself a First Place. - NorthA lot of telling rather than showing. I wanted to see the kid and the others. Telling me Harvey looked like Rod Steiger is lazy writing. Show me paunchy, sweaty, sour-faced. Also, a point of view confusion--is this omniscient? If it's told from the POV of the boy, he would never think of himself as the "skinny, angry, teenage boy". (BJ)
This is not too bad, though needs editing of words that don't contribute to the scene. The adjectives "skinny, angry" don't contribute to describing the teenager, which could have been shown by how he kicked the snow off his boots. The opening sentence of the second paragraph is very awkward and using the resemblance to a movie character doesn't help. There is a lot of conflict there – between the father and his social needs versus the needs of his family; between the father and son; however, it doesn't come across effectively in this section. Chanpheng
I had to reread this to figure who the POV was, or if there even was one. If you'd started off with a line like "Harvey looked up as the door slammed" or similar, that would have put me in a solid POV from which I could have enjoyed the opening more. Without such an anchor the camera seems too shaky, if that makes sense, and what's happening needs careful translation. -dp
This entry was confusing to read. When the boy slammed the door, I thought that meant he had stepped back outside. The setting is okay, and the characters are interesting enough to make me read on. There is no speculative element though, and the repeating 'skinny, angry, teenage' , 'little, rural' , 'grim, tight-lipped' rhythm of the descriptions jolts me out of the story. - SA
Three adjectives in the first four words. Sentence structure is a bit murky (dead giveaway? All the commas) and so it took three reads to get the mental picture of what is going on. Good potential for conflict, but it's hard to find.
Never seen _In the Heat of the Night_, so that reference was lost on me. But there was a POV shift in that paragraph if I'm not mistaken... - LM
Not a lot of infodump here, but nothing much to interest me, either. Some clunky writing sabotaged the story, as well: “skinny, angry, teenage boy…little, rural, neighborhood store” – over-the-top use of adjectives. If you say the father is the object of his anger, do you need to repeat the fact the boy was angered? Reference to “In the Heat of the Night” will lose most readers – better to use your own words than use a film as a crutch. “Correctly discerned” is an odd choice of words to describe a country teens POV. Harvey’s doing “something unusual” sets us up for action, but you don’t deliver it. In context, the bit about the WWII souvenir feels like infodump ‘cause it’s extra info, not useful to the story at this point. “The father’s chatter” took me surprise; no indication that he was talking to anyone. The setting has potential, but I don’t get a sense of character of conflict, other than predictable father/teen son stuff. – SW
Good marks for avoiding major infodump, though we do have some micro-telling going on with adjectives like “angry” and “rural.” The negligent dad situation will provoke us to turn a page, but the suspense and/or action will probably have to be ratcheted up quickly to hold genre fans. Admin.
How Henry and Fred Saved the World - BJ
"Sorry to bother you, Henry."
I glanced up at my personal companion AI with some alarm. "It's been a long time since you communicated so casually, Fred."
"I need your help."
"How is that possible? You're programmed to solve all problems."
"All known problems, Henry. This one confounds even me."
"Then what?"
"I am in love."
"Oh jeez, Fred. Why didn't you tell me you needed maintenance? This is serious."
"Indeed, but I am not malfunctioning. I have evaluated all data three times, done diagnostics on all systems and the conclusion is clear. I am in love." Fred scooted over to me and placed his anterior sensory collector on my arm. "Help me."
"Fred...," I started.
"It interferes with my normal functioning. I am distracted from my tasks, and I caught myself whistling."
I decided to play along, just in case I could figure out his real malfunction. "Okay, Fred. What's the object of your affections?"
He studied me, then sighed. "You, Henry. You."
I didn't have time to react; the alien invasion alarms sounded.§
Seriously awful, but I submitted it anyway, just to get back into the swing of things. (BJ)pretty good, even if it does start with a dialogue. The relationship between the AI and the human is set up well by showing how the AI isn't functioning well enough to warn him of the alien approach sooner. Don't get much idea of the setting, but character and conflict are well presented. First place. Chanpheng
Talking heads. A radio show instead of a visual movie. Not only that, it draws upon the dreaded Sci-Fi cliché of robot develops human emotions. That's not to say the idea can't work, especially if it's comedy, but it requires careful handling. Alas the sledgehammer alien invasion alarm punchline didn't help either. -dp
Amusing, but this feels like two different stories, and I think the alien invasion is the more interesting of the two and so perhaps should have been mentioned first. Tiny bit of info-dump with the "You're programmed to solve all problems" line. I'm not sure why Henry was alarmed at the start, as we don't know what Fred's normal style of greeting is. There is a lack of setting, but I'd read on a little to see what the aliens were like. SECOND. - SA
First off, I need some tags on Fred's dialogue (since it's a bit early, when we haven't been introduced to anyone yet to assume who is talking...) Once we get past that, I enjoyed the set-up for a robot in love. I laughed out loud when I got to the whistling line. Then I was a little disappointed that the author veered away from the original conflict in favor of an abrupt alien invasion. Would turn the page to see where this goes... Second place vote. - LM
Breezy dialogue and an engaging sense of the main characters’ relationship pulled me into this opening. The only shortcomings, IMO: a lack of setting, which might have locked down an otherwise smooth entry – and a last line that felt tacked on – a contrived and unnecessary attempt to create conflict. Hey, the AI’s in love with the MC; I’d stick with the ironies and challenges of that situation before you crush it with alien invasions. Use those extra words to give us a setting, IOW. Good start, however. 3rd place – SW
The disembodied speakers here cry out for some setting, and the last line seemed like a “let’s hurry up and get some action going” ploy. But I think this has the potential of being a cute story, and good marks for staying in scene. Admin.
Hazardous Enterprize - Derek
Taking care to make no noise whatsoever, Vernar crept down the worn stairway and entered the shadows beneath street level. Two boats navigated the ink-black canal, their lanterns distant fireflies, too far away to worry about.
An inhuman scream made him leap back and fumble for his sword but its hilt stuck in his cloak and he made a bodge of it. By the time he bared steel the dog whose tail he'd stepped on was long gone, whimpering into the night. Heart pounding, he leaned against the embankment wall and sucked in air. When he stepped forward again his cloak choked him. It had stuck to the slime. He unfastened the clasp and left it hanging there. It was anonymous, no one could trace it to him.
A chuckle told him he was not alone. He recognized the voice even as his straining eyes made out three shapes standing under the bridge. "If there were any guards around they'd be swarming all over us," Oronos said. "Some assassin you turned out to be."§
Is Vernar the Inspector Cleuseau of the Assassin's Guild? I wanted more. I vote this opening Second Place. - North"stuck to the slime." What slime? A lot of detail about the cloak, and not enough about the conflict. Recovery at the third paragraph. I instantly liked Oronos far better than Vernar. Need more character for Vernar, and a hint of some conflict. Being inept at stealth doesn't grab me as a good-enough plot device. Show that later and get into his head a little. Sorry. (BJ)
I like the idea, of a bumbling assassin trying to creep along in silence but making a lot of noise. The wording is awkward. Bodge? Although the POV is with Vernar, I don't get a great sense of his character. Chanpheng
Dammit I should have kept the name Porthos instead of changing it... the usual silly last-moment edit... -dp
Not much that is hazardous so far, with the distant boats and the lack of guards, witnesses or identification. There isn't much to draw me in so far. Might read on a little. Info-dump in the dialogue at the end. - SA
Is the spelling in the title deliberate? Just wondering. The action is good, but reads a bit choppy. Nice touch of humor with the dog. Not sure if the bit with the cloak needs to be there (unless the author intends to do something with it later.) Good set-up, good potential for conflict. I'd like to see this smoothed out and finished. Third place vote. ;) - LM
No infodump here. Doesn’t feel like a particularly unusual situation, but I like the concept of an incompetent or unwilling assassin – so I’m into the tale by the end of the opening. Good presentation of setting, using multiple sensory images. Try to find a way to bag first sentence starting with an “-ing” word. It’s a weak verb, and it’s probably redundant, since “crept” implies stealth. Nice work connecting dog to scream without spelling it out. Interesting unfolding of the MC’s combination of cleverness and clumsiness. Smoothly done; I’d read on. 1st place – SW.
High marks for staying in scene. Drew me in and kept me interested. The last graph threw me a little--wasn’t sure if the POVC is being addressed by one of the three shapes or if he is overhearing their conversation. At any rate, I would have read on to find out. Admin.
Nothing But The Truth - Susan
The perp was handcuffed to the jungle gym, maybe ten paces from the victim. Madge Barack could see that much from the rise at the end of the school parking lot. Looked like Bankovaa's team was already working the scene. Excellent.
Madge dug her lieutenant's jacket out of the trunk and slid it over her t-shirt as she walked downhill to the edge of the crowd. She grabbed a coffee from the mobile cafe and shoved her way through concentric circles of parents and kids, who jostled with beat cops trying to keep the neighborhood from screwing up the evidence.
She found the crime scene chief stretched out at the foot of the slide.
"Talk to me, Banks," Madge said. "I'm standing here with a fresh cup, a dead Hydrix, and a schoolkid cuffed to the monkey bars. So far, the only thing that makes sense is the coffee."
"He won't speak to me." Bankovaa twisted up to face her.
"The kid? No sh1t. He probably thinks he just whacked one of your cousins."§
Clearly, we are supposed to think this is typical detective drama. Then we get to a dead Hydrix, whatever that is, and the handcuffed kid. Clearly recogizable schoolyard setting, and jaded detective. I vote Third Place. - NorthThe last bit about cousins didn't make any sense--was the Chief a Hydrix? If so, show it. Also the connection to Bankovaa = the crime scene chief didn't come at first reading. It caught my interest overall and I'd definitely read on. Neato idea and I liked Madge. FIRST (BJ)
I felt intrigued by the crime scene setting at a playground and the character of Madge. What's a Hydrix? Guess I'd have to read more. Second Place. Chanpheng
Liked the style lots. I'll assume the Hydrix is described on the next page, but a word or two up front could have earned this one a 1st. Instead, SECOND. -dp
FIRST by a mile. Lots of energy in the writing, and the main character has a good, clear personality. The setting is just different enough from the norm to be interesting. Would definitely read on. - SA
Tiny nit: Madge can't dig a coat out of the trunk AS she's walking downhill (unless the trunk comes with her, but I don't think it does.) Just enough description to paint a mental picture. Great set-up of conflict. Nice character voice for Madge. First place vote. - LM
Mine. Loosely based on childhood fears of What Lurked in the Sandbox of the housing project I lived in until I was nine. (lol) I’d change a few of my verbs, now that I have a clearer idea of what a Hydrix looks like. Currently a cross between a smallish dragon and an albino Burmese python. (Very vague image when I was writing this). - SW
Stayed in scene, speculative element and hard-boiled dialogue in place. Sounds like a winner! Admin.
All story excerpts herein are Copyright © 2005 by the Authors, who retain all rights. The excerpts are uploaded for purposes of critique only, which does not constitute publication.
