September 2004 Best Openings Contest Results
Index The Garden - Bill Allan
The Right Match - Dee-Ann Latona
The Time Doctrine - Sara Walker Howe
Gateways - Sophia Ahmed
Midsummer's Night - Susan Wing
Relic Maker - Josh Langston
The Garden - Bill Allan
Pax caught his first glimpse of her, the female he’d come so far for. God, she was beautiful, moving barefoot through the grass like a healthy animal.
She disappeared behind a stand of white-flowered fruit trees, Pax waiting long seconds until she emerged on the other side near the shore.
He refocused as she stopped to fiddle with something at her neck, and then her robe dropped in a blue pile at her feet and she was naked, looking exquisite in the early morning light.
He realized he was holding his breath.
The female stepped out of her clothing and dived into the greenish lake water with a delicate splash.
When a bead of sweat ran down his cheek to tickle the corner of his mouth, Pax lowered the telescopic sight and took a deep breath.
Could he do it? Could he find the nerve to kill this extraordinary creature?There's some good tension here. It need to be made more clear what he's "refocusing" (we're not told until later that he's using a telescopic sight). ~Dee-Ann
THIRD. I’m not sure what is meant by a ‘healthy’ animal, and wondered when I read it whether this was meant to be ‘stealthy’. The opening is easy to picture, and I am interested in why Pax needs to kill her, so I would read on. I don’t understand what makes the female extraordinary to him, though. - SA
— This voyeuristic opening scene seems somehow familiar, IOW, not particularly original, but nicely done overall. Good interplay between what woman is doing and MCs reactions. Yes, I was curious about the MC and wanting to know what he was doing there—The telescopic sight is enough to give me chills — Somehow the line that follows is too obvious—and undermines an opening which unfolds (otherwise) subtly. Let us see his internal conflict through his actions, rather than telling us what he's thinking, IMO. - 3rd - SEW
Interesting premise. Good hook at the end. Potential to show development of relationship, but I feel the opening is hampered by passive & weak verbs, and static adjectives. Set-up feels different enough that I'd like to see where this is going. -SWH
Excellent example of character, setting and conflict, all neatly packaged with an unexpected—and quite effective—hook. Nice work. Takes First by a wide margin. —Josh
Mine. WA
The Right Match - Dee-Ann Latona
Marl paused as Brant's brows shot up. Twisting slightly, just enough to see the door, Marl caught sight of the object of his friend's glazed stare. The woman swept her cloak from her delicate shoulders and slung it over her arm, her confident presence filling the room.
"Stop panting like a hound, Brant," slurred Tarrik. "That's a noblewoman, or I'm the King."
"That ain't no Lady. High-priced whore, maybe," said Brant with a grin, tipping back the rest of his ale.
Marl shifted his chair so he could watch without being so obvious. He had to admit, her neckline plunged way deeper than was fashionable in the city—now there was a trend he and the rest of the Guard wished would reverse, and soon. Yet, there was an air of refinement to her. This was more than the denizen of even an expensive bawdy house.Mine. I still don't hate it, that's a good sign. ~Dee-Ann
The lady is interesting. Too many names in a small space, for me: Tarrik was mentioned without an explanation of who he was. I’m guessing Marl is the protagonist, but he comes across as very bland so far. “way deeper” seems too modern a phrase for a piece set in medieval times. I thought bawdy houses were the most expensive places of their kind, anyway? I would read on. SECOND. - SA
— Odd first sentence: pausing during what? and shooting eyebrows? Gotta see that! <g> Hmm. Glazed stare? Not with shooting eyebrows, IMO. And Tarrik? Whoops, another name for me to remember, and I don't even have a clear idea of where these three are. Nice banter between the characters, and it does become clear that Marl is the POVC—which is good. The line about the trend that the Guard wanted to reverse backfires, IMO—I think you mean that non-plunging necklines were the trend, but the way you've worded the sentence, it reads as if the Guard wants to reverse the plunging necklines <scratching head>. And the last sentence is unclear, because "more" is an empty adjective in this case. More what? More classy? More ostentatious? Possibly an interesting situation, but clunky wording gets in your way, IMO. - SEW
I feel like I should be more interested in who this woman is than I am. Also, too many characters to keep track of in this small section, but I'm sure it would sort itself out in the next several paragraphs. -SWH
For the full-size, submission version, I would urge the author to spend a few more words on setting. The presumption is a tavern during some pre-industrial European era. But I could be off, both literally and figuratively, by light-years. Also, Brant's dialog could have been uttered by a character in a stock western. Still, as I'm a great admirer of cleavage, it earns a Third. —Josh
A few too many "as" and "ing" dependent clauses here, especially in so brief an excerpt. When these constructions accumulate, one's writing is weakened and sooner or later logic problems occur. For instance, I don't think Brant could have spoken two sentences and grinned, all the while tipping back the rest of his ale. WA
The Time Doctrine - Sara Walker Howe
She bent over the pocket chronometer layed open before her, carefully setting a tiny detent, oblivious to the ticking coming from the heaps of shiny trinkets on the table and around the cramped, one room shop. She was so used to the noise, she often didn't hear the door bell tinkle.
Almost there...
"Excuse me, Ms Worth?"
The voice was familiar. She'd know it anywhere. She could see his face as clearly now with her eyes closed as she did when she first glimpsed him in the reflection of an astrolabe nearly seven years ago.
"Do you remember me?" he asked when she turned around. He held his hat in his hand.
"How could I not? You got me expelled from college." She furiously polished screwdrivers.
"I'd hoped you had forgotten that bit." He had the grace to look ashamed.
"Why are you here?"
"I have a proposition for you."If she's oblivious then why are the ticking sounds noticed? They should only be noticed in her POV if she actually notices them. And if she didn't hear the doorbell tinkle then why is it mentioned? And if she didn't hear him coming, show us either that she's so steady as a rock that she doesn't mangle the thing in surprise at the voice and her emotional reaction to it, or that she mangles it and has even more reason to be pissed. I'd also expect her to think of how he's changed since she last saw him, described in a way that hints at their previous relationship. ~Dee-Ann
When I first read this, I imagined the visitor to be a small, weak, supplicant who had worked with the MC, and whose mistake, resulting from his ineptitude, had got her thrown out as well as him. Looking at it again, though, I can see that he could be intended to be a romantic interest. In that case, I think the line where she talks about glimpsing him in an astrolabe (doesn’t tell us much) could be replaced by something that hints specifically at the torrid episode in their mutual past, and makes him seem less wimpy and more dangerous. I’d read on to see what the problem is. FIRST. - SA
The opening could be energized with improved pacing and word choice, but I liked the situation 'cause it was unfamiliar—and the title was intriguing, IMO. Could be improved with greater sense of setting — Note: the setting is fairly clear, but in this case, seems to be so integrated with the MC, that extra scene-setting would deepen the suspense, IMO. I'm not sure where the screwdrivers are, that she could polish them so immediately, but I suspect this abruptness was due partly to word-count limitations. Also, the last line is pretty limp, IMO. I'd rather have the visitor prolong the small talk to build tension. Anyway, the MC interests me, worth a 2nd place - SEW.
Mine. But if I was going to use this opening for an SF romance story, I would spend more time on what she was doing and the shop, before I brought in the gentleman. Then I would spend more time introducing this gentleman, before I brought up the "proposition". -SWH
I think I'd try for an alternative to "layed open." Whether or not it's grammatically correct, it certainly feels awkward, and that's not a good thing for an opening sentence. Setting is also a bit thin—I wasn't sure if I was in a jewelry store or a watch shop ("shiny trinkets," "ticking"). A word or two describing the hat might also give a solid link to the era—is it an Atlanta Braves baseball cap (Division winners for the 13th straight year, BTW <G>),a Union Cavalry cap from the War of Northern Aggression, or perhaps something from a Bombay Cricket Club circa 1900? Lastly, why on Earth would anyone polish a screwdriver? — Josh
I think the first sentence could be tightened up; it's trying to do a little too much. Other than that, not bad except that the plot will have to thicken quickly to retain my interest. First Place. WA
Gateways - Sophia Ahmed
Jack was tested when he was born - a small, crying thing, with highly developed sensory responses and a near-perfect ability to see patterns in distorted space. His life remained clinical and monitored thereafter, until the day an unassuming star went nova, and contact between Earth and its colonies was lost in a flash.
Then, Jack was recruited, and would have been permanently assigned to the mapping ships, navigating a path through the galactic core on the orders of a panicking government, had it not been for the psychosis that led him to direct two pilots into the black holes instead of tracing the field lines around them.
So now, she was there, all the time.
Jack sent a careful, tiny instruction to the lead survey ship, timed to be transmitted within a routine power uplink - and snarled at the surge of pain as she detected it and clamped down.Intriguing, that he's apparently still trying to send bad instructions, and that they're still using him ... perhaps with a telepath to control him. Question is of course why. Perhaps it would be more interesting to put psychosis in quotes, or make us at least wonder whether he's really insane or has a good reason. ~Dee-Ann
The first three paragraphs of this opening read like a prologue to a longer piece—more exposition that I generally like in a BOC entry, but the first paragraph, particularly, is sort of interesting. In this context, however, the final paragraph makes absolutely no sense to me. The challenge is to segue from your omniscient background to Jack's third person POV (I think). "So now, she was there, all the time" accomplishes this nicely, and I get a sense of the personality of a character who's been turned into a sort of a machine—and I want to see more of how it's affected him, because I'm beginning to feel sympathy for him, and BAM, you pull me out of his emotions into transmissions and space ships, and I'm really confused. Sorry. <wry g> - SEW
Interesting, but too much backstory for an opening. I'd like to see this worked in later, and the story open with a situation. I'm not sure where the romance element is, but I assume it must be coming. -SWH
The test they gave that newborn must've really been something—shades of Virginia Apgar! <G> I can't help but think this opening needs a little extra something to suggest what he did was deserving of punishment, especially since it's his job to navigate a path for spaceships. Isn't that what he was doing? Gets a Second despite my picky misgivings. —Josh
"a small, crying thing"—under the circumstances, we can't guess if he was a physically normal infant or somehow grotesque. My only other crit is that this opening is heavy on narrative summary and light on scene. Third Place. WA
Midsummer's Night - Susan Wing
The bridge shook with the music and dance of a thousand revelers. Fifty meters ahead, the silver banner of Sam’s guild swung back and forth in the glow of the lanterns. He watched for an opening in the rhythmic current and dove into the crowd, narrowly missing an incense peddler and a trio of tipsy harpists.
“Ribbon waltz, sir?”
He stopped short, jostled in place by the crush of dancers.
The speaker grinned and wrapped a strand of red satin around his neck. Her legs still were as long as his; her gown still hugged her curves. And her eyes! Still green as a hillside if she was careful, but Sam remembered how easily those eyes could betray her.
He reached behind, grabbed one hand and pulled her close. With luck, the patrol would see only two dancers in a fierce embrace.
“You fool!” he whispered. “They’re looking for you.”I'd like to see more immediate reaction from him, some hint when he "stops short" that he's upset rather than just thinking he stopped because his way is blocked. ~Dee-Ann
Mine - SEW
Very nice. Though I'm a bit confused by the choreography. I think maybe a few more words could sort that out. The setting is very vivid, but I'd like to see something fresh done with it. -SWH
I'm scratching my head over the POVC's bewilderment that the woman he meets "still" has long legs. I'm leaping to the assumption that an additional word of two relative to setting would dispel this mystery and would urge the author to add it. Despite this nagging question it promises to be an interesting read (Shakespearean title graft notwithstanding <G>). —Josh
This opening was doing fine up till this passage—"Her legs still were as long as his; her gown still hugged her curves. And her eyes! Still green as a hillside if she was careful . . ." Did he expect her legs to be a different length? Did she always wear the same gown? Did her eyes actually change color when she wasn't careful? Well, okay, maybe she's some kind of shapeshifter. Second Place. WA
Interesting, although I wondered about her legs “still” being as long as his - do they shorten or lengthen at her whim? The next few lines gave me the impression she is a shape-changer, the fairy queen, perhaps, so this is possible, although the idea made me take the opening less seriously. The opening is a bit fast, with no clear description of who “he” is. - SA
Relic Maker - Josh Langston
Girard dangled the tiny, coffin-shaped box from a cord and let it swing a hand's breadth away from the serving girl's freckled nose. "Concentrate, Marie. Do you feel the power?"
Her nut brown eyes followed the arc of the diminutive reliquary, and her lips parted slightly. "I think so, yes! I feel something."
Girard fought to keep from grinning. If things worked as he hoped, they'd both be feeling something wonderful soon.
"What is it?" she asked, wonder cloaking her voice in a whisper.
"The power of Saint Genevieve."
"Yes, of course, but what's in the box? A lock of hair? A scrap of cloth?"
"Even better."
His words brought a slight flush to her smooth, suntanned cheeks, and she slowly released the dangling relic from the grip of her eyes and angled them up to gaze on his face. "Tell me the tale."
He thought she'd never ask."Tell me the tale" seems a bit odd for her to say here. Just "Tell me" would be more powerful. ~Dee-Ann
Nicely written, with details and word choice designed to lock me into the action. Good work keeping the story solidly between Girard and Marie. Excellent first sentence ("dangled," "coffin-shaped" "hand's-breadth," "serving girl's freckled nose") expressing characters and setting, as well as a sense of lurking danger. "Diminutive reliquary"—great image. You dip into Girard's head just to know what's really on his mind, then return to the scene before breaking Marie's or the readers' concentration. Yup, I'd read on. - 1st place - SEW.
I like this. Not sure where the romance element is going to come in— I hope the rest of the story won't be told in flashback— but as it is, I'd like find out what's in the box, and what they'll be feeling soon. -SWH
Brilliant! A triumph of language! A virtuoso performance despite its length. Also, mine. —Josh
"Her nut brown eyes"—What kind of nut: wallnut? chestnut? pistachio?—"followed the arc"—well, I guess I might let this one pass, but later when her eyes released their grip on the dangling object, my own eyes shot to the ceiling, then fell to the desk, at which point I had a heck of a time getting the darn things back in their sockets.<g> The word "wonder" was used a little too soon after "wonderful" and so jarred. WA
The line beginning “His words brought...” is awkwardly written. I’m wondering, with all the build-up, why she asks to hear a tale rather than the one-word answer of what the relic is. It feels like a delaying tactic by the author rather than a natural thing for the character to say, and I wouldn’t read much farther if it continued to be dragged out in this way. - SA
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