If there's been a BOC with a closer set of results, I'm not familiar with it. I'm sure we have some members here (not to mention any particular Libras) who can quote past vote totals from memory. Check with them for verification! June 2004 Best Openings Contest Results
In any event, the totals break down as follows:
Title 1st 2nd 3rd Vot Bon Tot Roadblock - Susan Wing 1 0 1 3 0 7 Sanctuary - Sophia Ahmed 1 1 1 3 0 9 Auction - Sara Walker Howe 1 2 0 3 0 10 Dead Man's Hand - Derek Paterson 1 0 0 3 3 9 Saints - Barb Galler-Smith 1 1 1 3 0 9Congratulations to Sara! Now you'll have to keep lookin' over your shoulder...Oh, JSYK, a couple voters opted not to cast votes for all three places, which explains why the vote totals aren't proportionate.
Index ROADBLOCK - Susan Wing
Sanctuary - Sophia Ahmed
THE AUCTION - Sara Walker Howe
Dead Man's Hand - Derek Paterson
Saints - Barb Galler-Smith
Three trucks ahead of them, red and blue lights flashed against the night sky. ROADBLOCK - Susan Wing
"Roadblock," Delta mumbled. She pulled a few strands of fake beard out of her nostrils and forcefully sneezed.
"Hey!" Roger yelled.
"Sorry." She lifted the flap of her breast pocket. "How're you doing in there?"
Her husband grabbed the edge of the pocket and pulled himself up. "Just peachy. I'm a freaking novelty item." He took a deep breath. "Ahhh.. Fresh air."
"Get it while you can. Guard's on her way."
"Damn. Remind me again why I'm three inches tall?"
"No time," she whispered. Roger ducked back into the pocket, while Delta zipped her field coat to conceal his wriggling.
The guard glided up to the side window. "Name?" she droned through the dashboard speaker.
"Lonsdale. Martin." Delta slid her docs out the ID slot.
The guard sniffed the top page, refocused on Delta and smiled.§
Like it! Should make a very interesting story. I'm not fond of the three-inches tall comment; it sounds a little like author intrusion. Something more subtle might work better. SWHCute and well written, but not big enough to grab me. "She pulled a few strands of fake beard out of her nostrils and forcefully sneezed." -- fake mustache, no? This: "Damn. Remind me again why I'm three inches tall?" "No time," she whispered. --seemed like a cheat, I didn't see why Roger should ask this question right now, unless it's to tell me, your reader, he's three inches tall. But what surprised me most was the lack of sexual innuendo, what with his being in her breast pocket, right where most men would wish to be. Or, she could have used him in other unspeakable ways... huge potential for comedy as Delta has to bite her lip to stop herself from crying out, etc. Leading to the time-honored phrase, "Size doesn't matter." Shrug, I'm just saying, and my saying these things doesn't mean I wouldn't have turned the page and read on to find out what happens and what made Roger tiny. Oddly enough the title doesn't allude to his size, it only mentions the immediate obstacle. -dp
This was an easy read, with some characterisation of Roger, though not really of Delta, although given the word limit that's understandable. I had a bit of trouble with the level of technology in the setting - I thought there was maybe something wrong with the atmosphere outside the truck, as the guard's voice needed to be piped through a speaker instead of the window just being rolled down, and the ID slot and sniffing suggested quite advanced or non-human tech - and yet Delta had a humble false beard? It just struck me as odd. I'd read on. - SA
Mine. And no, there’s no reference to gambling so don’t try to read between the lines
- SEW. Cute, and rather funny. Needs something though I can't pinpoint what--sorry! THIRD (BJ)
Garçon led the man along the wharves, towards a mooring far from the soft lights of the more frequented parts of the docks. Here, the boards were rotted and treacherous with sea spray, and there were no guards to spot a body falling into the bay; yet the man, tall and heavily built, walked steadily, and sure. Sanctuary - Sophia Ahmed
Garçon only realised that something was wrong when they reached the boat.
"A problem?" the man asked.
"There is a password to get aboard," Garçon replied. As you should know... "I cannot take you farther unless you supply it. And do not bother trying to make me, monsieur," he added, raising the stump of his arm, "or I will fry you good." He pulled up his sleeve, and revealed an exposed stun circuit protruding from its titanium case.
The man looked for an instant - and then gripped Garçon’s arm, and twisted it off.§
Good action opening. I'd read on despite the gory body parts. SWHPretty basic, but manages to quickly instill a sense of menace and things about to happen. THIRD. -dp
A nifty concluding sentence, and I sense that you wanted to reach it at all costs, despite the 150-word restriction. As a result, this feels rushed, IMO. Garcon is obviously an unusual character, but I have no sense of his personality or emotional reaction to the man he’s leading. I don’t know why Garcon is thinking about bodies falling into the bay. And when Garcon realizes something is wrong, I have no idea what gave him that idea. In the last half of the entry, you make a good attempt to inject tension via the words and actions of the characters, but the leading half feels too flat to set the stage. Sorry, no vote. – SEW
Cool! All the right things to keep me reading. Some unexpected humour, suspense, danger, and an interesting scenario. Only problem... is Garcon or the man the main character? FIRST (BJ)
Katie bounded back and forth across the bland and tiny office. Jake thought perhaps she should switch to decaf, but he kept that thought to himself. THE AUCTION - Sara Walker Howe
"What's it at now?" she asked.
"Seven thousand." They were only fifteen minutes away from being the first to own a pair of child aliens.
"You've got to win this for me, Jake. It's such an incredible opportunity for linguistics research."
Jake understood the need to win, even if he didn't have a clue about linguistics. Six months ago an adult male was up for auction, but in the last few minutes Katie had lost to a user named DrRanken. She'd traced DrRanken to a medical research company that was not interested in her linguistic project proposal. So she'd hired Jake to do her bidding.
"What's happening?" Katie asked.
The bid had jumped to ten thousand. Jake checked the bidder. DrRanken.§
Mine. SWHI don't know what appealed to me here but something did -- probably just the thought they would wish to track this guy down and find out what he's doing with the aliens, which gives the piece an investigative mystery slant. FIRST. -dp
I liked the second sentence. I found the setting details here to be vague - "bland and tiny office" could mean anything, and is a forgettable phrase; a waste of words when the limit is so tight. I don't understand what Jake has been hired to do - point and click with his mouse, refresh the page? And this gives him part ownership of the aliens? ("*They* were only fifteen minutes away...") I can see the interest in this story being in some direct conflict with DrRanken: breaking into his lab, perhaps, after he wins another project out from under her; a kidnap, a daring rescue and escape, or somesuch. Given the title though, it seems it will all be focused on this auction, which doesn't really make me want to read on, I'm afraid. - SA
This outrageous situation carries this opening through a few rough patches, IMO. As someone married to a veteran ebay bidder and lurker, I was chortling through much of this one. I do feel that introducing DrRanken is unnecessary; the info-dump bounces us out of the present-tense action, and, IMO even undermines the emotional wallop of buying alien kids at auction. This horrifying focus on winning the auction alone makes Jake and Katie interesting, in a creepy sort of way. Other caution -- we're talking sentient beings on an auction block here -- which really is pretty awful, black comedy or no. IMO, if J&K's motivation was something less self-serving, (like adoption or improved interspecies relations) that would still make them conflicted – but not so unsympathetic (to me anyway). – However, the situation and characters have enough energy to earn this one a Second Place, IMO. – SEW
More shooting came from within the dense yellow jungle that defied Lantig's analysis instruments. Terrified voices screamed from his intercom. He tried to turn it off but the damn thing wanted him to hear everything. He smashed it against a rock until all that remained was a confetti of broken plastik and smoking components. Dead Man's Hand - Derek Paterson
Lantig shuddered. Only an hour ago their orbit-to-surface Lander had touched down and Commander Havok had led the survey team outside, proclaiming Vegas III safe. They'd scanned it from orbit and sent down probes that confirmed zero hazardous life forms, hadn't they? Then what was attacking them? What could possibly be—
Yellow leaves rustled, close by. Lantig prayed someone else had escaped—but when the leaves parted he knew otherwise. He thought he knew where the lander was. Should he take a gamble and run, or hope his yellow uniform would provide camouflage?§
I found this a little slow, and info-dumpy, but I think it has the making of a good opening otherwise. SWHThey don't get much sadder than this. My feeble attempts to pander to the BOC requirements made me feel unclean, as if I'd sold my virginity to the highest bidder. Again. -dp
I liked this. It was nicely tense and it was easy to imagine myself in the MC's position. I had a couple of small problems: in the first sentence, I didn't know whether it was the shooting or the jungle that defied Lantig's instruments. Why did he smash his intercom? I guessed it must be so that the noise wouldn't give away his position to a predator or other enemy lurking nearby, but I was wondering whether doing such a thorough job wouldn't leave him unable to communicate with anyone. "Lander" is capitalised in the second paragraph, but not in the last. What did he see when the leaves parted? Tell me now! My FIRST for the month. - SA
The POVC is obviously facing a life-and-death situation, but this opening feels like a _painting_ of an action scene, IOW, I am not immersed in it. I want to hear what the voices are screaming; I want to see him struggle to turn off the intercom. I want multiple sensory images to pull me into the action every step of the way – e.g. “More shooting” makes me think I’ve missed part of the action, as do words like “until.” And please, don’t do a flashback yet. I need to know his immediate location and the danger he faces, not the details of planet, probes, landers, and his Commander’s name – not even the fact that he has analysis instruments (unless we see/hear/smell/feel him attempting to use them –). If Lantig babbles fragments about all this techno-details, as he’s hysterically trying to turn off his intercom, that might work, but as a paragraph of exposition, it distances me from the present danger. So when the leaves parted, what did he see? And isn’t sitting tight in his yellow uniform a gamble, too? Intellectually, I know the POVC’s in jeopardy, but I never _felt_ it. Sorry, no vote. – SEW
Didn't quite grab me, though I would scan forward to see what the life form was. As it is, it needs something a little different to really win me. Sorry (BJ)
Seamus pulled the heavy wool blanket around his bare chest and tucked it behind him for padding. Though there were few creature comforts in the rude shepherd's hut, he aimed to take advantage of them all, beginning with the high stump used to hold up the low ceiling. The room boasted two sources of potential warmth—a tiny fire pit, now cold, and Nell, who was anything but. Saints - Barb Galler-Smith
Content to let the heat from Nell's body ward off the morning chill, Seamus read silently by the light streaming through the cracks in the daub and wattle walls. The sheepskin pages turned silently as he worked to decipher the handwriting.
He felt the lass beside him stir and gently stroked her shoulder.
"Mornin', Seamus." Nell's husky voice caressed his ears with sound the way her lips had warmed his mouth the night before. "Those must be fine verses ye have there."§
Verrra nice. :) I'd like to read more. SWHI kept reading in the hope I'd meet the rude shepherd. Cute little details like the sheepskin pages swung this one a vote. SECOND. -dp
This reads smoothly, but I don't know where it's going. I was confused about how he was taking advantage of the high stump - the only thing I could think of was that he was leaning back against it, which doesn't seem worth mentioning really. Otherwise, the opening was easy to picture, but misses a vote because of the lack of conflict or direction. - SA
I almost missed the speculative element in this one (the high stump, right?– so we’re dealing with either huge trees or tiny people? Must be something in the water
Maybe these fine folks will invite my Roger over for a cuppa ). Nice detail in the setting and the relationship between the two main characters (e.g. two sources of potential warmth…Nell, who was anything but ). This is not a slam-bang action scene, but sets a scene of tremendous contentment and then introduces an element that promised to disrupt it, i.e. the sheepskin pages. All we need to know is that it’s “work” to “decipher the handwriting” and that Nell’s unfamiliar with their content – and we realize that the words on the sheepskin will change their lives – just as we know that Gandalf’s visit to the Shire is more than a social call. – Simple but effective storytelling – 1st place – SEW. Hmm, sounds familiar. (BJ)
All story excerpts herein are Copyright © 2004 by the Authors, who retain all rights. The excerpts are uploaded for purposes of critique only, which does not constitute publication.
