Not without hesitation, Lis wakes up next to the Tequila Pool in a pile of naked, male flesh. Lemon peels dangle from her earlobes and salt residue decorates her skin. November 2003 Best Openings Contest Results
"What a hell of a way to celebrate a sale. Hm. Hell. What was it I was supposed to remember about Hell?"
She checks the calendar. "Sheesh. I passed out and missed the first. Wonder who won the BOC this month..."
BJ runs past her, chasing a tiny ball of hair and legs.
"Stop peeing in the castle, Darby, or you'll wind up as a hat!"
"Hey Beej, who won the BOC?" Lis calls after her disappearing backside, but gets no answer.
"Well, shoot. Maybe Derek knows..."
Lis opens the door to the Broom Closet, but what Derek is doing with those brooms violates every natural law of man and several unnatural ones as well. Lis slams the door shut and hurries down the hall.
"Maybe Susan will know where Josh is..."
Lis heads to the cafe, but Susan is passed out in an armchair with a Java-drip installed in her arm. She shakes her caffeine-addicted friend, but all she gets is a lot of mumbling.
"Life... to short... to drink... bad coffee..." Susan mumbles, dribbling coffee grinds on the floor.
Lis stands there, tapping her foot against the floor. Then a courier appears at her side holding a tiara and a roll of parchment.
"What the hell is that?" she asks the furry little messenger.
"It's from Josh. He's trapped in the Real World and wants you to announce the BOC results."
"What's up with the tiara?" Lis asks with much suspicion.
The courier smirks and disappears in a puff of plaid smoke.
"Oh hell," Lis says. "I must have won."
§ The Ladies Dominated! And the crowd goes wild!
FIRST PLACE:
"Rot in Hell"
by Lisa MantchevSECOND PLACE:
"Helluva Way to Make a Living"
by Susan WingTHIRD PLACE:
"Untitled"
by Lynn Fernandez
Results Author (Story) 1st 2nd 3rd Bonus Voted Total Lisa Mantchev (Rot in Hell) 2 2 1 3 3 17 Susan Wing (Helluva Living) 2 1 3 3 13 Lynn Fernandez (Untitled) 2 3 3 12 Wayne Sowry (Hell to Pay) 1 1 3 3 11 Sara Walker Howe (Hell's Angel) 3 3 3 9 Derek Paterson (Some Like it Hot) 1 1 3 3 8 Bill Allen (Facilis Descensus Averno) 1 1 3 6Index HELL TO PAY - Wayne Sowry
HELL'S ANGEL - Sara Walker Howe
Some Like It Hot - Derek Paterson
Facilis Descensus Averno (The Road To Hell Is Easy) - Bill Allen
HELLUVA WAY TO MAKE A LIVING - Susan Wing
Rot in Hell - Lisa Mantchev
Untitled - Lynn Fernandez
HELL TO PAY - Wayne Sowry
Malak Pik stared at the communication in his hand. In all his millenia as Satan's right-hand man, he'd never seen anything so outrageous. Surely it was a joke. He raised his eyes and studied the face of the archangel standing before him.
"Are you serious?" he asked. "Or has God suddenly developed a sense of humor?"
The archangel shrugged. "Despite what you may have been led to believe, God is quite the practical joker. That thing with the snake and the apple was way cool. However, I can assure you that in this case He is perfectly serious." As if that had just reminded him, he reached into the folds of his robe, drew out a large green apple, and took a bite. He held it out to Malak, who declined with a shake of his head.
Malak returned his gaze to the communication and read through it again, muttering as he went. "... wars... lost souls... catastrophes... pestilence..."
"Reparations?!" He looked up at the archangel. "He actually expects the boss to pay for all of this?"
"Indeed. He's decided it might help his flagging image. He gets a lot of flak for allowing these things to happen, you know."
§ Good concept—reparations to repair the Almighty's public image <g> , but the scene feels a little static to me. (e.g. too much staring at a piece of paper and not enough action illuminating character). Also, considering the personalities involv ed, there ought to be more tension, more atmosphere to the opening, IMO. Where are they? What sense images can you add, besides the sense of sight? Another part of the problem (IMO) is that you actually have double characters: Malak and his boss, plus the archangel and his boss <g>. I need a clearer picture of Malak and the archangel for this scene to work. I have NO idea of what Malak looks like, or how he generally behaves—and the archangel confuses me, in his use of "way cool" and "I can ass ure you" in the same line—is he an adolescent snowboarder or a British butler type? <g> I'm not sure the apple-eating bit adds anything—suggest you use that word-count to show us more about setting and characters.—SEW
Mine. - WJS
1st. I like it. The writing is clear. Characters are well-defined and unique. Conflict and humour present, and the story is creative. Great attack on a cliche. And the only problem I see is it's way too short. I simply must have more. :) SWH
HELL TO PAY LOL This is an excellent beginning with promises of more laughs! 2nd Place LF
Fits theme. Good set-up of conflict and character. Dialogue a little stilted, although author may go on to establish that angels always speak so formally. I'd turn the page and continue reading (for a while at least...) - LM
Static conversation. Is anything actually going to happen? The opening suggests... no. -dp
HELL'S ANGEL - Sara Walker Howe
Angela Grant sat at the table furthest from the window in Cindy's Salon when Assistant Director Gary Rodgers walked in dripping wet from the April rain.
"We have a problem," he said, dispensing with all formalities and small-talk.
"We do?"
"Three of Hell's finest have escaped." He pulled a wad of damp papers out of his coat. Sketches of the escapees.
Angela glanced at them, turned to the manicurist and asked for the flesh-tone polish.
"I thought blood red was your colour," Rodgers said. He let his eyes wander over her long, lean body. Not much had changed about her. She still wore all black, but not as much leather. He would rather have seen her signature catsuit than the cashmere sweater, and he preferred her chestnut hair falling to her ass in loose waves, than tied in a braid.
She kept her eyes on the quick, even brushstrokes. "How's your wife and kids, Gary?"
"Fine." Did she have to mention them? It was as if she knew what he was thinking. He rubbed at the back of his neck. "So, are you coming to work for me?"
§ I liked this opening. You've got two characters with obvious sparks between them, a pending conflict, and (IMO) an opening setting that's humorous because of its incongruity. Nice work giving us personality hints; Angela's focus on her manicure—and h er obvious awareness of Gary's attention—is subtle and humorous. My nits are pretty small: Gary's title is meaningless (Assistant Director of what?), and therefore superfluous. We don't need to know yet what he does for a living—the fact that he and Angela have a past together is far more intriguing at this point. Also, you don't need to tell us that Gary's dispensing with the small talk. The dialogue already makes this clear. I feel as if you need a "rather" before "than tied in a braid," and m aybe don't need the "at" when he rubs his neck. This looks like fun <g> - 3rd place - SEW
I had a slight problem with the POV in this. The first paragraph, and a couple of the later ones, seem more in Angela's POV, whereas it's obviously intended to be in Gary's. This is not helped by referring to her as "Angela" but him as "Rodgers". Also, th e first paragraph should use "was sitting", instead of "sat". Otherwise an interesting opening that introduces both the main plot (recapturing the escapees) and the likely interpersonal relationship of the two characters. Third place. - WJS
Mine. SWH
HELL'S ANGEL This is cute but doesn't draw me in as well. It could be the setting that doesn't work for me. Although perhaps I should be more openminded. Why not a manacurist's store? LF
Fits theme. Good set-up of conflict and character. Nice chemistry between Angela and the AD. Wasn't quite sure which was the POVC until his thoughts in the last graf. Would probably turn the page and keep reading. Third place vote. - LM
Mmm... maybe if the heroine wasn't so darned casual about the news, I might have switched on to this one. -dp
Some Like It Hot - Derek Paterson
"Good Lord, what is that stink?"
That's what they all say. The cops turned and saw me, and fell over themselves to move out my way. I ignored them and climbed the porch steps, leaving smoking footprints on the painted wood. Why do people build things out of wood? Wood's dangerous. You gotta use stone, the older the better.
Lieutenant Dreyfuss had his back to me. He sniffed the air and his shoulders did the tensing thing where they moved up a couple inches and locked in that position. The woman he'd been talking to—twenty-six, dyed blonde hair, Catholic, absolved of all sins three days previously, dammit—looked past Dreyfuss and saw me. That's usually when they go nuts and Dreyfuss has to calm them down and explain about the exchange program. Somewhere down below, a New York cop is swigging bottled water like there's no tomorrow and complaining about the heat. He's learning how we track down those dark, festering souls who escape into limbo and then sometimes manage to claw their way back to the living world. Me, I was supposed to be learning how mortal cops track down criminals, but that was just my cover.
§ The idea of an exchange program between hell and the living world is sort of fun, I think—but it's buried in an opening that's trying to set up a scene and slog through exposition at the same time. Hmm. IMO, we need to know who's talking first —and need to see the MC in a setting and situation that shows us who and what he is. I would like to see a bit of action in a specific setting that reveals the personality of the MC—with the exposition left to the calm after the storm—maybe the MC and one of the cops could go for a beer after, or the MC could bring the perp before a judge and have to explain himself, or he and another character could be on a stakeout—Anyway—because I'm still not clear about the MC, I question his ability to know that the woman is Catholic and absolved of all sins. Also, I have a thing about starting a story with a piece of dialogue—before we have any idea of who's saying it (and in this opening we never find out <g>).—SEW
An interesting premise, but I think the writing itself could use some tightening. Also, at this early point, I think concentrate on the story at hand and leave the background of the exchange program until later. - WJS
No vote. I don't have a clear picture of what's happening here. I'd like to see these ideas drawn out more and organized. Some ideas are presented multiple times over such a short piece: like the stink. And yet others, like the exchange program, are not explained enough. Why not have the blonde go nuts at the sight of him? It creates conflict and sets up the complications of the story. Also the dialogue should come after some set up. "The cops turned and saw me, and fell over themselves to move out of my way" is a better first line. It grabs the reader, since cops generally move for no one. Still, the story seems original and could make for an interesting read. SWH
Some Like It Hot Nice beginning. A little too much telling in the second graf. LF
Got a lot of information from this entry without it feeling like an info dump. Good set-up of conflict and character. The only problem I had was that the segway into the woman's description was a little clunky, but that's easily fixed. Would turn the page. Second place vote. - LM
Mine. Shrinking this to fit the wordcount limit was hell, ironically. -dp
Facilis Descensus Averno (The Road To Hell Is Easy) - Bill Allen
March. The month of transition, the month of awakening, the month of magic. Green buds strain within winter's white fist, and the earth's slow blood grows quick and warm.
I fell in love for the first time in March. I was seventeen, almost a man, and she was sixteen, or so I thought. I would have given my soul for the gift of her smile, the treasure of her touch. And perhaps I did.
Angela belonged to a somewhat unorthodox religious order in the rural Pennsylvania community of my youth, and The Open House Church of the Futuristic Jesus sponsored a retreat to the nearby Appalachian foothills every spring. If she hadn't invited me, we would never have become close, because I was shy beyond hope.
"And who's this?" The middle-aged deacon, Ruth, studied me with good-humored suspicion as we loaded our overnight bags into her minibus.
"Kevin's a friend from school. We take trig and Latin together." Angela seemed embarrassed. I figured she finally realized she'd invited the biggest nerd in Washington High for a weekend of . . . what? Bible study?
Then she glanced up with those perfect pale-blue eyes, and I felt her reach inside me.
§ A haunting, moody piece, with the darkness unfolding gradually. Well done. I would make a decision on the title—IOW either/or. If you're going to stick with the Latin, better use it (or translate it) later on in the tale or else it's just a te aser making the reader feel dumb (or, in my case, sending me to my Bartlett's 'cause I was torn between Virgil, Milton, and Dante <g>. Yeah, I know Virgil was the one who wrote in Latin, but heck, that's too obvious, no?) Normally I don't appreciate this poetic sort of opening where nothing actually happens, but this one helped to set the mood, with some excellent word choice (e.g. "winter's white fist" and "earth's slow blood.") Great job inserting weirdness early on, with the subtle, "or so I thou ght." The name of Angela's sect is a little over the edge into parody, IMO—suggest you tone it down to match the mood. Excellent transition sentence ("And who's this?"—the "who" segueing nicely from the "shy beyond hope" of the previous sentence ; nice thumbnail of Ruth, and subtle indication of time period with reference to "minibus" rather than van or SUV. Creepy final sentence. I'd certainly read on..—2nd place - SEW
A poetic opening paragraph, but it doesn't really tell me much. Perhaps drop it and just start with the second paragraph, modified a little to make sense of the March reference, or maybe add to it to make it more relevant to the character at the present t ime. If it's intended to be a frame for the rest of the story, it's very short and doesn't tell us anything about the character before the flashback. So far the opening only promises to be a romance, so if it really does have some sort of demonic connecti on, then I think it could do with a hook to give us some hint (a bigger hint than just "And perhaps it did" <g>). - WJS
No vote. First paragraph has lovely description, but adds nothing to story. Second paragraph is backstory and also adds little to the story. "Angela belonged to a somewhat unorthodox religious order in the rural Pennsylvania community of my youth..." This line is very long, but chopped up, could make a great opening line: Angela belonged to an unorthodox religious order. Not just unorthodox for rural Pennsylvania, which was bad enough, but unorthodox to the world. Too much backstory in this piece. The last line is a keeper and with the right set up I'd want to read on. SWH
Facilis Descensus Averno This entry feels feminine for the first 2 grafs. It really doesn't catch my interest. I think it is because the start is too ethereal.
I would recommend opening with the "And who's this?" line and working in the rest of the poetic back story later (in case of an Impatient Editor). Did like the idea of the new age (?) church and the powers that Angela was sure to reveal later.& nbsp; Would keep reading as long the story continued to set-up new questions and answer them in unpredictable ways. - LM
There's something interesting struggling to get out from under all the words, but at the moment it's suffocating. THIRD. -dp
HELLUVA WAY TO MAKE A LIVING - Susan Wing
The River Styx was a sewer. Think about black blood snaking past abandoned mills and you've got the picture. I drove to the end of the dock and killed the engine on the Chevy. The dashboard clock read 11:57. The river stank of sin, degradation, and last week's road kill. I lit a cigarette and took a long drag. Damn, it felt good to be on the trail again.
I pulled a business card from my inside pocket. It was mine: "Ord Feusco: Music of the Spheres," and then in small print, "Retrieval Specialist," which is a snotty way of saying I'm a bounty hunter. People who know me from Club Olympus always act shocked I get paid to bring in runaways. Which shows you how many dumb asses actually think you can make a decent living as a musician.
On the back of the card was a name and address, the reason I was sitting on the end of a dock at midnight waiting for a leaky ferryboat piloted by one of my least favorite people.
Joe "Puke Breath" Charon had a beer belly and terminal acne. The man looked like hell, which is not surprising, considering his clientele.
§ Mine - SEW
I think the opening sentence could be stronger, using an active verb rather than "was": eg. "The River Styx flowed from the sewers of Hell". The first paragraph is all short, similar sentences. It would probably read better with more variation of structur e. And for this sort of dry-wit narration, I think the nickname "Puke Breath" is a bit ho-hum and childish. Overall it promises to be a hellish version of a PI story, not my favourite style, I must admit. - WJS
3rd. Opening sentence just doesn't do it for me. I'd combine it with the third sentence for bigger punch. "The River Styx stank of sin, degradation, and last week's road kill." With a first line like this you don't need the second line. A musician/bounty hunter is a wacky idea, but just wacky enough to draw attention, without being too wacky. Writing is okay, could be tighter. "I pulled a business card from my inside pocket. It was mine." I think these two lines could be combined. But the story sounds int riguing and I'd read on. SWH
HELLUVA WAY TO MAKE A LIVING Very good descriptions. I like the tone. It has promise. I want to see the completed story. LF First Place
Great opening sentence. Love the author's voice; comes through the descriptions/set-up loud and clear. Would definitely read on... First place vote. - LM
Almost but not quite; get on with it, man, don't just sit thinking about it. -dp
Rot in Hell - Lisa Mantchev
Phineus Chlod sorted through the evening's offerings with little hope. Workers on the late shift always got stuck with the leftovers.
Earlobe.
Earlobe.
Knuckle.
But then he spotted the curve of a calf. A delicate ankle. A dainty instep.
It was An ENTIRE LEG!
Phineus picked it up and inhaled the delicate bouquet. Then he crammed the foot in his mouth and gnawed with relish.
"Put that down, you filthy beast!"
He hunkered over his find and snarled at the rotting corpse above him. "Finders keepers!" He stuck her big toe up his nose and waggled his bum at her. "Nyaaaaah!"
The woman clawed at the metal cage around her head with both arms and most of her fingers. She twisted and writhed her shapely torso and all her womanly bits. She kicked her other leg in the direction of his head. And then she burst into tears.
Phineus hedged towards the door. He couldn't stand to see women cry. That's why he liked to poke their eyeballs out first thing.
"I shouldn't be here!" she howled. "This is a horrible mistake. You have to help me."
He peered up at her remaining limbs. "What's in it for me?"
§ Okay, I have a twisted sense of humor and probably should seek professional help <g>—but this piece had me ROFLing all the way through. Yeah, yeah, there was a huge "ewwww!" factor, but the humorous mood was set from the beginning with the MC's name <g>—and that kept this in the corner of black comedy, rather than total gross-out <g>. Splendid job depicting Phineus' actions and reactions—I see this guy, and can actually feel his enthusiasm . Great job getting right down to business with the list of body parts and the incongruity of our image of an unattached leg with the MC's perception ("A delicate ankle. A dainty instep." <lol!) Perhaps you could give us a bit more sense of the setting—but the body parts, the tim e of day, and the cage are a good start. The idea that a rotting corpse was talking to him gave me pause (but heck, I write about talking corpses, so moving right along...). The revelation that he's chewing on her leg gave me the giggles, as did wo rd choices like "womanly bits" <lol>. And just when we think the MC is a Good Guy because he can't stand to see women cry, you skewer our assumptions: "That's why he liked to poke their eyeballs out first thing." <rofl>. Unusual setting , expressive "showing" of personality, energetic verbs, and incongruity turns this into a funny opening that feels full of surprises, and would keep me reading. - 1st place - SEW.
Delicious <g>. Had me chuckling already, and promises to be an amusing story. First place. - WJS
2nd. Love the absurdity of body part offerings, but Phineus gives in too easily to the woman. Stretch it out. Let him say no and have second thoughts. Then third thoughts, giving the consequences if he helps the woman. Let the opening remain absurd, but w ith Phineus holding her leg and not happy about the woman being there. That leaves the story open a crack for him to help her out later. "The delicate bouquet" tripped me up. I was suddenly picturing flowers, but this is a minor fix and didn't distract fr om the story. And, I'm dying to know what happens next! SWH
Rot in Hell This opening was ... well ... gross but very appropriate for the title! 3rd Place LF
Mine. - LM
Wanting to learn more about the woman's situation acted as a hook. SECOND -dp
Untitled - Lynn Fernandez
Wanda Mayhew pushed her wide-brimmed hat to the back of her head as she slumped against the rear wall of the dig. She blotted sweat from her forehead with a bandana, a memento from the last in a string of second-greatest loves.
The first love stretched before her under the blistering sun of the Saharan desert: a series of square, concentric pits, each approximately 25 cm deeper than the last. Wanda's discovery, most of which remained in situ, was well p reserved by the arid sands. It was the remains of a tiny creature, most likely a monkey.
She took several snapshots before continuing to pick away at the dirt surrounding the find. Traces of a material clung to the foot-long skeleton. A pet, Wanda thought. That wasn't so strange. Man had sought animal companionship since their first exodus from the caves. Nor was it inconceivable, albeit maybe eccentric, that a culture several thousand years older, than her own, had chosen to clothe their pets.
A half hour passed before she exposed an entire arm when something more than eccentric caught her eye. The diminutive corpse wore jewelry! She looked closer. A bracelet. A necklace. There were rings on its fingers.
§ An intriguing situation with the possibility of an interesting character and a fascinating setting. But I don't think you take full advantage of all of these elements; as a result, the opening feels flat, IMO. e.g. I'm a little disoriented by the MC's pos ition: first she's slumped against a wall, and then suddenly she's up taking pictures. The distinction of "first" and "second" loves is interesting, but probably distracting at this point. If one of her past loves shows up, the bandana (with more specific description) could provide a bridge, but for now, I want to stay in the scene, with what the MC see, feels, hears, smells, etc.—any reminiscence or daydreaming makes me think the MC's mind is wandering—which makes mine do the same. And, in refe rring to the dig, perhaps you should say "Her first love," instead of "The first love" (makes it more personal, IMO). Specifics would help in your mention of the "material," as well—i.e. I didn't grasp at first that you were talking abo ut fabric. And the sentence about "something more than eccentric" catching her eye seems misplaced, because it reads like inner thought, and pulls me out of the immediacy of this scene, - IOW—perhaps a gleam caught her eye, she saw the jewelry, and < I>then observed that this was "more than eccentric." And now you've got a transition to some inner reflection about the immediate situation that confronts her.—There's a story here, but I think you have to stay more "in the moment" to pull us into it—SEW.
Nicely written, but I'm not sure that the find is particularly compelling. Perhaps she's about to travel back in time to that period (a sort of Planet of the Apes in reverse time-frame), or one of the discovered artifacts has magical powers? I think it co uld use a hook here to give us a reason to think the find is going to be of more interest than just an archaeological puzzle. Still, good enough for second place. - WJS
No vote. Interesting, but I'm not really pulled into the story. The writing itself is very good, and I can easily picture the setting, but there's not enough conflict here for me, and no hint of what's at risk. SWH
Untitled Thank goodness I don't have to comment on this one. LF
I wanted the descriptions to be more evocative; as it was, I felt like I was getting hit repeatedly with an adjective stick. I did like the idea that everything else in her life came second to her love of the desert excavation. That gave us a nice glimpse into her personality. - LM
I'm not too keen on the jewelry idea but I liked the setup and discovery. FIRST -dp
All story excerpts herein are Copyright © 2003 by the Authors, who retain all rights. The excerpts are uploaded for purposes of critique only, which does not constitute publication.
