November 2001 Best Opening Contest Results
Congratulations to Lynn Fernandez, Donna Drapeau and Sophia Ahmed for jobs well done! Thank you everyone who participated. It's greatly appreciated. If I added wrong—please let me know. Thanks!--BJ Galler-Smith, BOC Administratrix
73733.1315@CompuServe.comIndex Encounter At Midnight - Derek Paterson
B'Brox -- Donna Drapeau
Tesla's Bookkeeper -- Josh Langston
Shinjaro -- Sid Gittler
Persistent World - Wendy Gasperazzo
Dot to Dot - Sophia Ahmed
Wanting -- Phyllis D.
Untitled #1 -- Lynn Fernandez
A Momentary Lapse of Reason -- Deb Dunkerton
Death-Stalker -- Micha Moeders
Opening Title Author 1st 2nd 3rd Vote Extra Total Untitled #1 Lynn Fernandez 6 6 1 3 1 17 B'Brox Donna Drapeau 6 6 0 3 1 16 Dot to Dot Sophia Ahmed 6 0 2 3 1 12 Momentary Lapse of Reason Deb Dunkerton 3 0 5 3 x 11 Death Stalker Micha Moeders 1 2 4 3 1 11 Encounter at Midnight Derek Paterson 3 0 1 3 1 8 Tesla's Bookkeeper Josh Langston 3 0 0 3 1 7 Persistent World Wendy Gasperazzo 0 0 1 3 1 5 Wanting Phyllis Davis 0 2 0 3 x 5 no entry Kevin S. - - - 3 1 4 Shinjaro Sid Gittler 0 0 0 0 0 0
Encounter At Midnight - Derek Paterson
Keagan feigned drunkenness as soon as he was sure he was being followed. He staggered up the cobbled street, holding onto walls as if unable to stand upright on his own. All the while he assessed the danger and made his plans. There were three of them, confident big lads used to giving and receiving knocks. Wharf rats, who'd think nothing of beating him to death and dropping his body into the black waters of Dover harbor. One of them vanished down a side alley. He'd appear again soon enough, and then the other two would come up fast from behind. Well, wasn't that nice? All he'd wanted was a tankard of ale to wet his throat after an honest night's work. That wasn't too much to ask, was it?
He kept moving, shuffling toward the Black Swan. His hands dipped inside his coat, closing around the twin pistols in their leather holsters beneath his armpits. Footsteps sounded behind him, closer than before. A shadow lurked in the doorway to his left—the wharf rat who'd run on ahead.§ Mine. Novel opening, just for a change. -DP>>Keagan feigned drunkenness as soon as he was sure he was being followed.<<
And the people following him would immediately think, 'Oho, we've been sussed. Charge!'
>>He staggered up the cobbled street, holding onto walls as if unable to stand upright on his own. All the while he assessed the danger and made his plans.<<
Could combine both sentences, heighten the tension with shorter phrasing. ie: '...own, assessing the danger, planning how to deal with it.'
>>There were three of them, confident big lads used to giving and receiving knocks. Wharf rats,<<
It's midnight, the time period seems before street lighting proper and Keegan has identified shadows within shadows behind him by type and inclination?
>>...who'd think nothing of beating him to death and dropping his body into the black waters of Dover harbor.<<
A motive for their actions would satisfy a reader, money, enemies, jilted lover, etc,.. >>
Well, wasn't that nice? All he'd wanted was a tankard of ale to wet his throat after an honest night's work.
<<Humbly suggest using 'Keegan' for 'He'd'>>That wasn't too much to ask, was it?<<
A chance to show Keegan's mood about the situation. '...was it?' Keegan thought bitterly/angrily/sadly.'
>>His hands dipped inside his coat, closing around the twin pistols in their leather holsters beneath his armpits.<<
Holsters? Not sure about them if I've got the time period right. Most pistols were shoved in belts, sashes, inside pockets and coats, I think...Picky, I know,... wheel lock or flintlock pistols? Both have disadvantages in being carried any length prior to usage. One, powder ignited, t'other, percussion cap fired. Plus the ammunition fitting snugly enough, even with patches, to stay in place while being carried in barrel down position. (Ooops! Being English tend to associate 'Pistol' with particular type of firearm, so that could alter my view on the date as well. Being intensely blush making, too.)
>>Footsteps sounded behind him, closer than before.<<
Yes, sound works better at night, Keegan would be relying on his ears to give him warning and time to deal with the lurking threats around him.
>>A shadow lurked in the doorway to his left—the wharf rat who'd run on ahead.<<
Giving Keegan too good a night vision advantage without explanation. Other points. Stereotyping attackers as stupid and incompetent against the hero of the tale. For reader attention grabbing consider starting with the attack on Keegan. All the foregoing then weaved into the story...ie,...'..Ducking the biggest oaf's meaty fist, and sinking his own into his assailants stomach, Keegan thought, 'All I wanted was a tankard after a job well done.' before another attackers fist/boot/knee/parrot...' etc, etc. Setting was handled well, night, place, time period. There are punctuation quibbles, but better qualified and more adept persons will point them out, I'm sure. :) Doesn't work, as is, for me.(Kevin)I like Keagan; he comes across as intelligent and a "doer", good qualities in a protagonist. I give this first place: the writing flows well and there are lots of hints of a history to this moment and of interesting events to come. - SA
>>Wharf rats, who'd think nothing of beating him to death and dropping his body into the black waters of Dover harbor.<< This is a sentence fragment. No one is actually doing anything. Perhaps saying he thought somewhere in there would turn it into a sentence. What kind of an honest night's work was he doing that he had holstered pistols in his armpits? PD
Competently written. Makes first pass. Hmm. If Keagan feigns drunkenness when he's sure he's being followed, it stands to reason that those following him were doing so before he began stumbling into walls and slurring his speech. IOW, they would know he's faking, wouldn't they? Perhaps Keagan isn't as smart as he thinks, rather like the genius in a Princess Bride. <G> Ah well, I'm splitting hairs. Honorable mention. —Josh
Good tone but I think this is a little slow. LF
Last paragraph is okay. The first is too telling. Elaborate and break it up into more paragraphs. drd
What bothers me about this opening is it's pure assumption. Keagan assumes he was being followed by wharf rats, he assumes it's one of them lurking in the shadows. I don't know enough about him to trust his instincts or even know he has them to believe this entry. Sorry, no vote. Micha
Keagan is already being observed/followed and starts feigning drunkenness complete with stagger and loss of equilibrium? Isn't it a bit late to switch to that behaviour? Also, why did we have to read Keagan's thinking on how things were going to go? The old "Show, don't tell". I'd rather have seen them make their move than have Keagan tell me he knew all about it. I wouldn't have minded keeping the description of Keagan's realisation, his preparations then plunging into the action with something like "As Keagan had anticipated, the footsteps behind closed on him and a shadow..." Nothing really grabbed me in the opening. No vote. Sorry.—WG
Hmm, I like it, I'd read more. It's a big ask in 180 words, but I would have liked a bit more info. It feels more like the beginning of a chapter than an opening of a story. Third Place (Deb)
B'Brox—Donna Drapeau
A coal-black mass clung to the ceiling of the access way. An occasional quiver kept it from disappearing into the shadows. That, and the soft slurpy noises that made crew members passing below glance up in disgust. After a few minutes, the mass crept from the corner and inched forward, leaving behind him a shiny clean surface with a slight glisten that evaporated in seconds. It's body surged and spread its way along in a rhythmic motion. Each movement sent the gelatinous mass rolling beneath its pebbly surface.
B'Brox grumbled quietly to himself as he inched forward. "Broxy clean this. Broxy clean that. Never 'thank you Broxy for removing post-ingested alcohol and charred synth fibers from the juice bar.' No 'thank you Broxy for squeezing through lavatory pipes and unclogging them.' No-o-o. Stupid bipeds always putting metal gewgaws down plumbing I'll...I'll give them a tour of plumbing!"
B'Brox shuddered to a halt as his imbedded comm-link gurgled. "What, Floyd?" The link gurgled and chirped excitedly. The sounds were quite melodious but not at all understandable to him.§ Huh, cute fluffy critter disguised as amorphous alien. Author's only chance to snag my interest and stop me reaching for my virtual shotgun was to deliver something extra, e.g. "What, Floyd?" needs to be an A-1 emergency red alert—an airlock needs to blow out, the ship needs to come under attack, or something. -DPA coal-black mass clung to the ceiling of the access way. An occasional quiver kept it from disappearing into the shadows. That, and the soft slurpy noises that made crew members passing below glance up in disgust.<<'The soft slurpy noises that made passing crew members glance up at the ceiling hugging black mass...' is a suggestion (humble) for a tighter and attention grabbing start. >>After a few minutes, the mass crept from the corner and inched forward, leaving behind him a shiny clean surface with a slight glisten that evaporated in seconds. It's body surged and spread its way along in a rhythmic motion. Each movement sent the gelatinous mass rolling beneath its pebbly surface.<< The foregoing, unless the rules have been changed, as I remember from last sojourn in the IMPIRE is a no-no, because it is telling the reader, not showing.'...the mass.' Inserting 'B'Brox' instead wouldn't cause any confusion and might even help garner reader sympathy a tad earlier.>>B'Brox grumbled quietly to himself as he inched forward. "Broxy clean this. Broxy clean that. Never 'thank you Broxy for removing post-ingested alcohol and charred synth fibers from the juice bar.' No 'thank you Broxy for squeezing through lavatory pipes and unclogging them.' No-o-o. Stupid bipeds always putting metal gewgaws down plumbing I'll...I'll give them a tour of plumbing!"
B'Brox shuddered to a halt as his imbedded comm-link gurgled. "What, Floyd?" The link gurgled and chirped excitedly. The sounds were quite melodious but not at all understandable to him.<<Not sure if B'Brox is an alien, or man made construct. If alien...the mind boggles, unless it actually thrives on what it 'cleans'. If man made, then it's a self aware AI and should be dismantled and melted down immediately. Before it replaces human kind! Interesting though, and does gain attention and a desire to see more. (Kevin)This entry has a different and interesting first paragraph, making a great start to a story. Some problems came up after that though: "It's body surged" should be "its body surged." Also, B'Brox is referred to as "it", then "him", then "it" again, and then back to "him", which put me off. The "What, Floyd?" had me wondering for a while: was it B'Brox speaking, or a voice coming over the comm-link? Overall, a good beginning, but B'Brox's grumbles felt a little predictable, and the inconsistent referrals would make me skip this one. - SA
I liked this entry a lot! There were a few minor glitches, but I give it 2nd place. PD
Fresh stuff. I like it, although the alien's introspection sounds distinctly human. Perhaps that's the result of his close association with them? I'd read on to find out. Makes first cut. Takes 1st place. —Josh
2nd Good tone, funny. Intersting character. Quibble: It's body s/b Its. LF
Interesting concept. I liked the originality of the critter. I'd read on to find out what was going on. Micha
Mine. drd
"It's body" should be "Its body" It made me wonder how Broxy deals with metallic stuff clogging pipes. He doesn't seem to have hands, jus a gelatinous mass. Can he grab and move suff or just hope that everything is pushable/digestable? That being said, it's a most interesting intro. A very original protagonist with an attitude. I'd definitely read on to see what will happen to B'Brox. Vote: 1st place.—WG
Tesla's Bookkeeper—Josh Langston
Georgie couldn't find Badger anywhere. He struggled not to cry which would only bring worse torment if Badger's disappearance had anything to do with the Vardeman twins down the street. Forcing calm into his voice, he called again for the shaggy, diminutive terrier mix.
Never, never, never should he have let Badger out alone. Pets had gone missing from all over the neighborhood lately, and it wasn't the dog catcher who got them.
Georgie scowled at the dark front door of Thomas Edison's laboratory. No one dared confront the crusty old man about buying stolen pets for his cold-blooded demonstrations. Georgie had seen one himself. While Edison's assistants attached wires to a harnessed and terrified beagle, the white-haired monster ranted about the evils of alternating current. No one protested when he closed the killing switch. Georgie shivered. He could still hear the yelp and smell the burnt fur.
He held his breath when the lab door opened and the Vardeman boys stepped out. They stared at him for a moment, then turned and hurried off in the other direction.§ Meaningless title, does nothing for the opening. Names like Georgie and Badger immediately set up an expectation of young children's fiction, I half-expected Rabbit and Mousey-Wousey to appear in the next sentence. It doesn't go this way of course but I mention it anyway since I otherwise liked the slightly nutty premise of this opening, an historical figure being viewed from a saner local perspective so he becomes an arch-fiend. Apprehension & motivation are cleverly set up, making me want to read on, good job. FIRST. -DPDon't know what the take is on using real people in this type of context. Could cause the author legal problems of one sort or another. Evils of alternating current? Can't see the idea or logic in this. Allowing witness's to pet executions? It doesn't work for me on several levels, I'm sorry to say. A little juggling should make this highly readable and more believable. Puzzled by title, but would be patient enough to read further for explanation. (Kevin)
Nice smooth-flowing writing, and I can picture the scene very well, but I'm afraid this opening just doesn't grab me. One problem is that I'm not sure whether the protagonist is an adult or a child; it could be either. Perhaps have a comma after, "not to cry." I would like a hint of why no one dares to confront the twins or Edison, as unless this is a terrorised community cut off from the normal world, say, this sort of behaviour could be clamped down upon pretty quickly. Also, I'm confused about why Edison was ranting about the evils of A.C., and then electrocuting the dog - is one statement supposed to follow naturally from the other? I couldn't see the link, which broke me out of the story. - SA
Why is the entry named Tesla's Bookkeeper, but the story is about Thomas Edison buying dogs? >>He struggled not to cry which would only bring worse torment if Badger's disappearance had anything to do with the Vardeman twins down the street.<< cry which Word says this should be either cry, which or cry that. I think this sentence is set in passive mode starting with the words after if. It should be . . .if the Vardeman twins down the street had anything to do with Badger's disappearance. >> dog catcher<< Dogcatcher should be one word. PD
Look no farther! This one obviously deserves to be voted first, second, and third. No, wait. It's mine. Damn. Ne'mind. —Josh
Well anything that opens up with animals being fried just gets tossed out. Sorry this really didn't appeal to me!!! LF
Though well written, I wasn't enticed to read on. Sorry. Micha
"struggled not to cry" is telling. How did he struggle? I don't feel his despair. And I don't feel enough rage/horror at Edison. drd
I can't really find anything wrong with this opening but it just didn't do nything for me. No vote. Sorry.—WG
This caught me by surprise a bit, I had to read it a couple of times before I realized who he was. One thing, "coal black" implied solid and hard to me (shrug). The concept of the story appeals to me though, I'd read more. Second Place (Deb)
Ok, the idea of Thomas Edison being a torturing monster put me off a bit, I've always imagined him as a kindly gray haired old man! Nope, It didn't appeal to me, mostly story content though, not the writing, which is quite good. (Deb)
Shinjaro—Sid Gittler
Shinjaro was short for his age, but then he'd been short for his age for the last five years. When he'd stopped growing at four foot ten seven years earlier at age nine he'd been tall for his age. His parents worried and his friends kidded him.
Shinjaro didn't mind being short and lean. With his flowing light blond hair and light blue eyes he projected an illusion of frailty and youth. Puberty never came giving his friends something new to kid him about.
Standing naked in front of the reflecting pool Shinjaro saw and felt things they couldn't, never would.
It was at the pool he'd had his first vision. The Goddess Alexia revealed her full glory to him and he fainted. When he awoke she was still there.
"Shinjaro, son of Sinjo of the Kasami you have been given a rare gift of present sight and future sight. Use them well and carefully."
"I don't understand Goddess."
"You will."
Shinjaro learned and obeyed. When he "saw" the Voknari planning to attack he went to the Council of Elders.§ Has possibilities but it's too fast, and not only that, it's too fast. I realize that's the same problem twice, but it's such a large problem I felt I had to repeat myself. ;-) Author ought to revisit this opening and give it more time and respect. Show me the interaction between Shinjaro and his peers, let me feel their mockery and Shinjaro's isolation (and hint at the other reasons why he doesn't feel able to communicate with boys his own age, and what he thinks of his own stunted physical development?). Could be something, if the author wants it to be. -DPThis doesn't work as an opening, for me. It seems further along in the story the way the info is presented. Strangely, I think there's too much condensation about the character in the opening, and his encounter with the Goddess. Would happily read an expanded version, with more 'show' and not so much 'tell'. (Kevin)
The line where the Goddess revealed herself to Shinjaro and he fainted, made me wish this was a comedy <S>. There are lots of numbers in the first paragraph, which required careful reading to keep straight; perhaps this would work better re-written slightly? This opening could do with some extra commas, for example, after, "at age nine", "Puberty never came", "in front of the reflecting pool" and "of the Kasami". I wasn't sure what Shinjaro learned and obeyed at the end - perhaps this could be fleshed out a tiny bit in the final story? A time reference (e.g. "four months later") for the final line would have been nice. - SA
This is one of those openings where each word has meaning, but taken altogether, don't say anything. I have a feeling that the Council will be about as receptive as his friends which is to say not at all. PD
This one could do with a bit of punctuation. As is, it's cumbersome. In fact, the whole first graf presented more challenge than I'm usually up for. One should also exercise care when using clichés, not just because it's lazy writing, but because it can easily lead to unintended humor. For instance, when the Goddess Alexia revealed her full glory to young Shinjaro, I conjured an image of a gal doing the Full Monty. Worse than that, however, is the fact that this isn't so much an opening as it is the summation of a first chapter. We don't need that much. I'd rather have had more details about the goddess revealing herself. <G> Sorry. No vote. —Josh
Too many numbers in the first graf. Also, for clarity, "Puberty never came, . The last graf makes all of the previous an intro. I also thought that Shijnjaro learned and obeyed was author intrusion. LF
This entry was wordy for having so few. Nothing enticed me to want to read further. Micha
No feelings about this either way. drd
Second sentence needs rewriting. It's too convoluted and lacks structure. The whole text needs, IMO, more commas and revisions to increase readability. >> Shinjaro learned and obeyed. When he "saw" the Voknari planning to attack he went to the Council of Elders. << That shortcut doesn't work for me. Don't know why but the transition from "I don't understand" to this sentence is too abrupt and pulled me out of the story. On the whole, the story as it is failed to grab me. No vote. Sorry.—WG
Doesn't feel right, too much info too fast. (Deb)
Persistent World - Wendy Gasperazzo
Gwenhwyfar had been kneeling in prayer for the better part of 3 hours. She most fervently wished for an answer to her prayers but didn't dare hope. She suddenly got the feeling that she wasn't alone anymore and looked around.
"Good eve to you, citizen Gwenhwyfar. My name is Archangel Jeremy and I understand you have a query. How may I be of assistance?"
Gwenhwyfar stumbled to her feet and took a step back. She had been hoping for a reply but not exactly direct divine intervention.
Archangel Jeremy was tall, maybe 6'2", fair haired and smiling a benign smile. There was nothing really remarkable about him except for the white symbol embroidered on his dark blue robes: a dragon gripping a cog in his claws. Such a strange symbol for a herald of God.
"I... Err...How..." Despite her attempts, Gwenhwyfar couldn't find her voice.
Archangel Jeremy's expression changed to one of minor annoyance. "Speak now citizen or let your request be ignored. I have a miscreant waiting to be summoned before the Gods for judgement next..."§ Meaningless title, does nothing for the opening. I might have felt more if I'd known what brought Gwen here to pray—or at least some indication of her desperation—and if I'd seen something that suggests Jeremy isn't just someone who just happens to work at the... temple? Does projected light give Jeremy an angelic halo or aura, for example? Alas, Gwen's dull reaction and Jeremy's speech didn't prompt me to expect great drama ahead. -DPThis caught my interest. Assuming alternate reality/fantasy world. Would read further to see how it turns out and what the different elements mean. (Kevin)
The, "suddenly got the feeling" is too sudden and vague in the first paragraph; perhaps instead the feeling could be specified, or she could hear or smell something specific instead. I think the "Such a strange symbol" line would work better replaced with Gwenhyfar expressing some doubt about who this person was. It would make her a more sympathetic character, for me anyway. "most fervently" could be replaced by just "fervently," saving a word <g>. At first, Gwenhyfar doesn't dare hope, and then we are told that she had been hoping for a reply...perhaps, if the author really doesn't want her to be expecting anything, we could see Gwenhyfar praying for strength to accept the situation she's in, or some such. - SA
Why do you give a name like Gwenhwyfar to your character and then name a so-called Archangel Jeremy? >> judgement<< the word should be spelled judgment. So far I have seen no reason for the name Persistent World. What is persistent about it? The only remarkable point in the whole opening was the description of the emblem on his robe. PD
Why not really get into the head of the POVC and stay there? Stop telling, and start showing! Take that first graf and break it down into constituent parts: 3 hours of kneeling would have to hurt, especially on a stone floor. But perhaps she was praying so hard she could overlook things which would plague mere mortals, if so, give me some indication that this is the case. And what do you mean by "got the feeling"? Did she feel an unexplained draft? Did her subconscious detect a sound that shouldn't have been made. Could she smell something? Or was it a sixth sense? Whatever it was, you owe it to the reader to make that clear. Archangel Jeremy sounds like a government employee. Perhaps he should look like one, too. Sorry, no vote.—Josh
Unfortunately whenever I see any version of Gwenhwyfar I think of Arthurian fiction. POV shift from her to Jeremy. He obviously holds her in contempt. LF
Mine. With my new glasses on, I can spot quite a few much needed changes. Can you? :-)—WG
Persistent World—Ok, I've spent the last five minutes trying to pronounce her name, and then -Archangel Jeremy!? Sorry, it put me off. (Deb)
Dot to Dot - Sophia Ahmed
The boy had peered in at Marguerite as she lay quietly in her shelter, and had told her she was mad, and she liked that. She repeated the word to herself for the rest of the day, enjoying the soft vibrations it made in her mouth. When the boy came back the next morning, she smiled widely in welcome and cried, "Mad!" and he stared at her for a moment with a frown on his pink face, before stepping over the broken wall and standing opposite her.
"Some of us are leaving. We're going to find the others. Only the strong people can go.I could take you with us, because I'm in charge of a group." He squatted down heavily, and flicked aside a heap of mouldering date stones lying by his feet. "You can't even stay clean. I've seen loads of girls who do better than you. I bet you don't even know where the water is, do you?"
Marguerite watched his lips as he spoke, listening to the tones in his voice. "Speak," she prompted, when he stopped.§ I would have liked more hint of the setting—where are we, a post-apocalyptic world, or some fantasy land devastated by an Evil Horde (tm) ?—but regardless of this there's appeal in the boy's maturity and strength, I wanted to know what had made him this way and would have been prepared to read on to find out. THIRD. -DPLiked this. Drawn into it straight away. Strong sense of curiosity as to how the opening develops into the story. (Kevin)
Again we have an entry that doesn't appear to be going anywhere. Perhaps given more words some sense could be made of the events described, but somehow I doubt it. There isn't anything happening that could be classified as either science fiction or fantasy. It's just a quiet going nowhere group of words that could be describing something that is happening in any time or place. PD
Not sure where this is headed, but I'd read on to find out because the subject has been drawn such that I'm sympathetic. Makes first cut. Finishes 3rd. —Josh
I can't get interested in this. LF
Why are they leaving and whom are they going to find? I'd like to know the answer to at least one of the two in this opening. Micha
1st place. Interesting. Strong presence for the characters - especially the girl. Too much emphasis on the words. The first one works the other two seem unnecessary to me. Spacing error in second paragraph. drd
First sentence feels too long. The set-up didn't grab me. Can't really see anything wrong with it except I cared nothing for the girl or disdainful boy. No vote. Sorry.—WG
I've read this through three or four times and it still doesn't appeal to me. My spell checker is having trouble with "mouldering" I think it should be "moldering". Sorry - no vote. (Deb)
Wanting—Phyllis D.
"You've got to get me in on this," Pete pleaded.
"Why? Why do I have to and why do you want to get in on it?" John asked.
"If I don't get some money soon, Lena is going to leave me and take my kids with her."
"Are you sure?"
"Yeah, I'm sure! She told me yesterday not to come back until I was employed, and you know your sister! Once she makes her mind up . . ."
John nodded in understanding. Lena was three years younger, but she managed to get everything she ever wanted. It was uncanny how she always got what she asked for. John remembered wanting a shiny new red bike when he was ten. He got a used blue bike. That same year Lena wanted a green bike with training wheels, and got it.
"You do realize you have to go off world don't you?" John asked.
Pete squared his shoulders and then slumped in abject misery. "Yeah, I know. But for how long?"
"Only six months if you live that long!"§ Author throws reader into the deep end of the pool to swim alongside unknown characters in an unknown setting. Conflict appears trivial, even the inclusion of "off world" didn't hook me. Best thing Pete could ever do for himself is get rid of Lena. -DPPersonally, I don't like the domestic revelations and problems so soon. It didn't engage me. (Kevin)
This conversation is radio script; no sense of setting whatsoever. There are also some wasted words where the characters repeat information and questions. Neither character comes across as particularly likeable - John seems very immature, remembering about the bikes, and I assume the children are both Lena and Pete's ("my kids" then works better as "the kids" or "our kids", making Pete sound less like a spoilt child...) No vote I'm afraid; I don't understand what is happening in the ending, or the meaning of the "six months if you live that long" line. - SA
Mine. PD
I don't know why, but this one just doesn't appeal to me, possibly because the players lack maturity. Or, it could be the indiscriminant use of bang sticks. Sorry, no vote. —Josh
Talking heads, then an info dump, then more talking heads. LF
2nd place
I wasn't sure why Pete was willing to go on a journey or business trip of unknown duration but I'd read on a bit to find out. MichaThe bike example somehow didn't work for me. Not sure why. It does illustrate the point but is maybe not very exciting for an intro. Last sentence would benefit from a pause (either ',' or '...') before the 'if'. That being said, this is well written and I'd probably read on to see what exciting things happen off world (or should that be off-world? Just asking). No vote. Sorry.—WG
This doesn't feel like an opening, it feels like I've jumped into the middle of a chapter - which is really confusing. Sorry - no vote. (Deb)
Untitled #1—Lynn Fernandez
Emma leaned against the old oak tree and watched the morning mist float across the lake. She stuffed her cold hands into her coat pockets. Emma wasn't sure which was stranger these days-the weather or Mark. Lately, both were mercurial. Yesterday it had been hot and sunny. Today promised to be cold and damp.
The fog shimmered and Mark stepped into view. He smiled at Emma. His light green eyes always disturbed her. In pale fairy folk they'd look normal but he was dark and human...well mostly.
"Lady," he said.
"Lord Mark," she acknowledged him with a quick nod.
"Thank you for meeting me." He extended his hand.
She didn't reciprocate. Mark's touch could enchant. Been there, done that, she thought. "What do you want?"
He looked at his empty hand and smiled. "Your help, of course." He walked around her. She knew he was attempting to manipulate her but it wasn't safe to lose sight of him either.
"Don't trust me, Emma?" he whispered behind her.
"Not lately, Mark." She pivoted and faced him.
"So why meet me?"§ Interesting snapshot, I'm sure it will make a good story one day. Needs more background: who, where, when, why? The modern "been there, done that" knocked me out of the opening. -DPOnly a couple of quibbles...ref to cold hands already informs reader of weather condition before later ref says it is going to be cold and damp. Stating that the weather 'was cold and damp' instead of 'promised' probably works better. If the setting is now, then been there, done that is OK. If not, then not. For me, dialogue used wrongly can jar me right out of a story... The names, bland, mundane, ordinary. Makes a change from convoluted, unpronounced ones, and I expect, as a reader, there is a reason for such... Interested by the conflict between the two characters, would definitely read on... (Kevin)
I like the "well mostly," and the bit about Mark's touch being able to enchant...Another entry which could perhaps use some extra commas, after, "they'd look normal" and "manipulate her." The names Mark and Emma seem very out of place in a piece like this. Also, how is Mark different from normal? His mercurialness is mentioned, but no further explanation given. "She acknowledged him with a quick nod" seems incorrect; she acknowledges him by saying "Lord Mark." Perhaps write this as something like, "She gave him a quick nod," before or after the spoken words? - SA
This opening has great promise. There are characters who can be felt if not seen. >> His light green eyes always disturbed her. In pale fairy folk they'd look normal but he was dark and human...well mostly.<<This is a fairly good description of his eyes, and that he wasn't a pale fairy, but how fat or slender was he? How muscular was he? How tall was he? How much education did he have? Was he lordly or a peon? There are no words to say what he looks like. And there is no indication of her looks at all. >>Been there, done that<< Is this appropriate wording? It's the sort of thing I might say, or any young woman of today might say. If this story is sent in some time in the past the phrase might be too modern. Anyway it struck me as being out of her character. It didn't go with her other thoughts and words. I give this entry 3rd place. PD
This one is nicely written, and I'd definitely read on. Makes first cut. Takes 2nd. —Josh
Mine. (LF)
1st place—The characters were interesting; opening caught and held my attention. I hope the story holds it as well. Micha
Interesting. I like the set-up and characterisation in this entry and would most definitely keep reading. Don't stop there. Vote: 2nd place.—WG
Hmm, I like this one, makes me want to read more. I'm a big fan of green eyes in fairies<G> First place. (Deb)
A Momentary Lapse of Reason—Deb Dunkerton
With an expert flick of a thumb, Antonio flicked the heavy gold coin into the air. Time slowed. Jenna’s heart caught in her chest, flipping in time with the coin.
Dragon, crown, dragon, crown. . . . .
It landed with a resounding thwack into the palm of the old man’s hand, and in the same motion, smacked firmly onto the back of the other.
Antonio peeped under raised fingers, "You sure about this lass? Last chance now."
Jenna looked at his face. Stale food, grease and lice fought for space in his grizzled beard, small, shrewd, ice- blue eyes peeped out from a solid line of eyebrow. She couldn’t trust him, she knew. But this was her last chance.
Wetting her lips, she nodded.
He raised his fingers. "Well, well! Dragons Head! Lucky girl, you win. Hand it over then."
Jenna reached into her leather jerkin, and pulled out the faded parchment, warm from close contact with her skin.
"How long will it take? There’s not much time left, a month at the most."§ The only speculative element in this opening consists of the fact the tossed coin is stamped with a dragon on one side and a crown on the other. Needs a sprinkling of something more unusual before I'm going to willingly embark upon another fantasy adventure, even if Jenna says there's only one month left at most. -DPTo land with a 'resounding thwack' it has to be a really heavy coin. If this is the heroine's last chance and she can't trust Antonio, hopefully she's not going to be doing important and life threatening stuff with his aid and support...About the only quibbles, for me. Would be easy to introduce Antonio's untrustworthy nature further on, so would give it more time and read a revised version a bit further. (Kevin)
The coin landing with a "resounding thwack" jumped out at me; I can't imagine a coin landing in a palm as making a noise like that. Perhaps use a semi-colon rather than a comma after "grizzled beard." Maybe, instead of the beard description, we could have some hint of the dagger under his jacket, say. The not being able to trust him line would then have some backing. Otherwise, interesting, with some nice scene-setting. I give it third place. - SA
Here we have another instance of almost being able to see one character and the other being invisible. Antonio is described to a fault, but not one word about Jenna. She sounds like she might be a child of 8 or 10 years, but is she? There is not one word about what she actually looks like. Is she dark or fair? Is she tall or short? Is she fat or thin? Is she young or old? Who knows? PD
If I were a professional editor, I probably would not have read past the first graf. Using "flick" twice in sentence one suggests the author didn't take the time to examine his/her own words. The use of back-to-back clichés in sentence two lends additional doubt, and the final killing stroke comes with the apparent contradiction of a heart which can simultaneously be "caught" (suggesting a cessation of function) and "flipping in time with the coin." Graf three I liked, but it was followed by another improbability in graf four—a coin landing in someone's hand with a "resounding thwack." Sorry, no vote.—Josh
First Place: Nice descriptions! Coin flipping, nicely done. LF
3rd place—Despite repetitive word usage this entry was interesting enough to earn 3rd. I wanted to know what was on the parchment she was giving him and why. Micha
I like the description of the toss. Very involving. Nitpick: Would a heavy coin land with a "resounding thwack" in an open palm? It would definitely "thwack" when "smacked" though. :-) Quite well written but felt maybe a bit cliche. That being said, I'm just a sucker for badly behaved old men and resolute young heroines(?) about to embark on a quest so would probably read on. Didn't quite make my top 3 but gets an honorable mention nonetheless.—WG
"A Momentary Lapse of Reason." Mine. (Deb)
Death-Stalker—Micha Moeders
"Rumor has it dying doesn't hurt; whoever started that rumor has obviously never died.
"I am the Death-Stalker. So I became know after the battle of Kilmara where I also discovered the truth about death.
"A stray arrow penetrated my chainmail and pierced my chest. I've never felt such agony before. Every beat of my heart sent rivers of blood cascading down my body as I crumbled, helpless, to the ground. The sounds and smells of battle dissipated as I felt myself drifting towards the Goddess.
"Peace. Such peace as I've never experienced encompassed me. I felt no pain, no heartache over lost comrades; I saw them all in the protective circle of the Goddess' arms. I knew my liege-lord forgave my death; it was his gauntlet-covered hand that reached for me.
"I swear to you, Arch-Mage, I heard the Goddess calling me home.
"I thought nothing could be more excruciating than death. I was wrong. Compared to having your spirit returned to your dead body, dying is merely uncomfortable.
"Now, Goddess willing, I'll discover why I was sent back."§ To be honest I didn't like the style—spoken narration, one unknown character addressing another unknown character in an unknown location and setting—but I did like the content. Could be something, I'd turn to the page to find out what. SECOND. -DPAny dramatic impact of, 'I am the Death-Stalker.' is lost by being buried in the paragraph and the weak supporting sentence after it. Instead of being 'known' as, emphasis he is the 'Death-Stalker.' ie; 'All knew me as such after the battle of Kilmara...' Could lose the word 'stray' IMHO. Change 'death' to 'dying' after 'excruciating than...' Death is a state, dying an action. Would read on to see if Death is actually being stalked by main character...:) (Kevin)
I don't understand why he was called Death-Stalker after these events; I was expecting some sort of explanation. "Became know" should be "became known." The use of "the Goddess" always smacks of clichéd fantasy to me, and makes me cringe...perhaps refer to her by a name instead? (Or don't; I can't comment on what works in fantasy and what doesn't, just what works for me <S>) Intriguing and well written, with the promise of epic things to come; I give it second place. - SA
>>"I am the Death-Stalker. So I became know after the battle of Kilmara where I also discovered the truth about death.<< This word should be known! >> Every beat of my heart sent rivers of blood cascading down my body as I crumbled, helpless, to the ground.<< Crumbled isn't exactly the word I would have used here. Crumpled, maybe or perhaps collapsed. Or just plain fell down. >> I knew my liege-lord forgave my death; it was his gauntlet-covered hand that reached for me. "I swear to you, Arch-Mage, I heard the Goddess calling me home...."Now, Goddess willing, I'll discover why I was sent back.">> Was he sent back, or did his liege-lord call him back? I too would like to know why he was returned. I give this story 1st place. PD
Too talky for my tastes. I'd have preferred some setting. There seems to be a fine line of difference between soliloquy and summary narrative. Neither really appeals to me. Sorry, no vote. —Josh
Third Place Well this is very interesting. No setting, don't know anything about the character's gender (voice says female, actions say male) It is a talking head and we don't know who s/he is talking to for grafs. The descriptions are good. Writing shows promise. I found it engrossing. LF
"So I became know" should be "So I became known". Would you consider using "I felt no more pain" insead of "I felt no pain" considering the agony he went through just before? >> I knew my liege-lord forgave my death; it was his gauntlet-covered hand that reached for me. << That confused me a bit. Is it really the hero's death he had to forgive or the man's failure to save him in battle? Side Remark: It might be because I'm reading the Mists of Avalon but it feels to me like "The Goddess" appears everywhere these days. Must be a good time to be one. :-) Well written and the subject appeals to me. I'd definitely read on! Vote: 3rd place.—WG
Death-Stalker —Everyone else will have beaten you to death by this point for the punctuation errors, (now I know how they felt when I did it!) It's very off putting. As I think Jen told me my very first BOC "your punctuation makes my eyes hurt." Because of all the missing and misplaced inverted commas, I'm having a lot of trouble figuring out exactly who's talking. Rivers of blood is a bit much. Sorry - no vote. (Deb)
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